▶ Your Answer :
Some people might say that it is better they prefer to watch movies or read books than doing exercise in their free time. However, I disagree with them, and I think that doing exercise is better for people for two reasons.
To begin with, 문단의 중심내용을 먼저 소개해서 주장을 명확히 해주는 것이 좋아요. 사람들이 요즘 잘 안 움직인다는 것이 요지가 아니라 free time에 운동을 해야 건강에 좋고 이게 현대인들에게 굉장히 중요하다는 점이 문단의 요지이므로 이 부분을 먼저 소개해주고 내용을 풀어주는 것이 논지 전달에 효과적입니다. people nowadays are spending many much time in chairs at school and work. This sedentary lifestyle is harmful because it causes a wide range of diseases diseas such as obesity or backache. Therefore, we have to increase time to move our whole bodies as much as possible, and one way for this is to do exercise in free time. However, iIf we spent time in chairs even during free time by watching movies or reading books, we would have hardly time to move our legs and back. As a result, our weight is getting heavier, and burden to our bones would be ig getting bigger. stronger. In this regard, I will give an example of talk about myself. A few years ago, I worked in a hospital as a researcher, and I sit almost 9 hours in a chair everyday. In addition, when I had some free time, I usually used to go to watch movies, and read books. As a consequence, my back bone became fragile, and my weight increased. So I decided to do yoga in my free time, and both backache and weight were decreased.
Moreover, 이 부분에서도 영화는 돈이 든다고 표현하기 이전에 '운동이 더 돈이 덜 드는 좋은 여가다'하는 식으로 장점을 부각하면 좀 더 논지 강화에 도움이 될 수 있어요. people should spend some money watching to watch movies and read books, and this can cause lots of financial burden to them. This is because movie tickets and books are not that cheap. In this problem, Llibraries cannot be of big help because some libraries do not have the latest books or what you want. Therefore, whenever you go to theaters and bookstores, you can get stress by their prices. In contrast, we can do exercise for free by running playground at school or going hiking, and these things can help save money. We should understand that in this world with high price and global economic crisis, it is imperative for people to save money for the future. For example, in the past, my brother enjoyed watching movies in theater whenever he had free time. However, he got lots of financial burden from it with the flow of time because movie ticket prices were getting more expensive. Actually, at that time, in my country, the entrance fee of theater increased from 7000 won to 12000 won just over 1 year. As a result, he quit watching movies as his hobby, and instead he started going hiking. It helped him save money and become healthier. healtheir.
In conclusion, doing exercising is beneficial for people in that it can be done for free, and helps recover one's health. In this regard, I firmly believe that people must do exercise in their free time, not watch movies or read books.
Comment : 논제가 요구하는 내용에 맞게 적절한 근거를 잘 제시해주셨어요. 좀 더 주장이 잘 드러나도록 두괄식 문형에 맞게 내용을 조직하고, 사례 내용이 주장과 긴밀한 연관성을 보이도록 다듬어진다면 훨씬 좋은 글이 될 것 같아요. 예를 들어 앉아만있었더니 몸이 안 좋아졌는데 쉴때 운동했더니 좋다졌다는 본론1의 사례는 앉아만 있어서 몸이 안 좋아진 내용을 더 많이 쓰기보다 쉬는시간마다 운동을 한 것이 실제로 진짜 건강에 도움이 됐다는 점에 비중이 가는 편이 더 좋아요. 오탈자가 종종 있는 편이니 proof-reading때 꼼꼼하게 봐주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3.5/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (완벽하지는 않지만 문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임) |