▶ Your Answer : Recently, general awareness on information obtained by Internet has aroused a great deal. While some people contend that getting information from the Internet has a lot of advantages, others deem otherwise. From my perspective, I disagree with this argument because of the following two reasons.
Firstly, It it is too difficult for people, who use network services, to differentiate genuine information from false information. There are no ways to confirm not only the truth of the news but also the origin of the news in on the Internet environment. It is a big problem because the counterfeit news often give great effect on the one's life who is when that news is misunderstood by that individual or that news and even the entire nation. Moreover, the development of social networking service is accelerating the diffusion of information regardless of its veracity. For instance, my friend who was suffered by from spurious information on Facebook died himself (committed a suicide 자살했다는 이야기 인가요?) eventually. (이 예시를 들거면 무슨 false information을 봐서 자살을 했는지 더 자세히 예시를 들어줘야 합니다.) In addition, prior to that, a South Korean company was collapsed couple months ago because of the counterfeit information made by the Internet. It is truly a big problem that people cannot verify the veracity of information or the news.
On top of that, it is too easy for public to get harmful harmed and by suggestive information. Before the development of the Internet, it is was relatively difficult to obtain specific information because that is those were usually contained at in books or dictionaries. However, nowadays, people are able to get a lot many kinds of information without harmfulness or confidentiality. For example, people can easily procure the method of manufacturing home-made bombs by searching surfing the Internet just a while. Plus,Additionally, children or juveniles can be simply exposed to suggestive information. It would increase the possibility of sexual crimes. Likewise, indiscriminate diffusion of information in on the Internet cause serious problems on in society.
To conclude, despite although this subject will always remain controversial, I believe I have accurately demonstrated my point of view on this matter with two concise reasons and evidence stated above. Therefore, I totally maintain that excessive access of information in through the Internet has a lot of problems.is a big problem.
[Score] 19-20
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- 단수 복수 수 일치 주의하세요.
- 현재형과 과거형 중에
한 개를 선택해 시제를 맞춰주세요.
- 명사가 나오기 전에
관사를 붙여주세요.
- 에세이의 2주장은 좋았습니다.
- 다만, 문단에 너무 많은 예시를 조금씩 들어 주는 것보다 한 예시를 잘 설명하는 게 더 중요합니다. 그러니, 각 문단마다 제일 좋은 예시를 고르셔서 그 예시만 들어주세요.
- Internet를 쓸 때는 the Internet입니다. 꼭 the를 붙여주세요.
수고하셨습니다~ |