▶ Your Answer :
Without doubt, strict rules play a significant role in people's daily lives in many of the places where they work or play. There might be some people who believe that parents should set strict rules for their children to succeed in life, while others do not think this way. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that children can enable to improve academic performance and become model good citizens if they are take care of with strict rules. There are several reasons and examples for this as follows.
To begin with, strict rules improve children's their academic performance and enable children to relax and recharge their batteries. When children are recharged, they are likely to have more energy to put into their work and be more active. For example, my youngest brother used to be lazy and selfish. He got distracted easily, procrastinated, and acted on impulse. However, after my parents made a some strict rules for him, he changed his life style such as cleaning his room when he wake up and finishing finish his homework before going to bed. sleep. Naturally, he realized that this the rules could help him to focus on his schoolwork better, and he started to maintain a good behavior by raising his grades in school. Without the rules, he would have fallen behind. 엄격한 규칙이 왜 아이들을 쉴 수 있게 해주고 에너지를 충전해준다는 것인지가 설명되어 있지 않아서 흐름이 어색해요. 엄격한 규칙이 '어떤 점에서' 학업 성적에 도움을 주는지를 명확히 설명하고 연결해주세요.
On top of that, their kids could become good model citizens if they grow up with strict rules. Most children are temped to do doing illegal activities act out of place from time to time. They have to resist the dangerous temptation, but it is difficult to overcome over come it solely. 조언을 구하고 상담하는 것은 'strict rules'와 아무런 관련이 없습니다. 엄격한 규칙이 도움이 된다는 부분에 초점을 두고 설명을 풀어주세요. Hence, children should get the advice and help from parents who have diverse life's experiences. According to the survey's result of Seoul Nation University, the top school of Republic of Korea, the study has shown that about 70 percent of Korean students have felt may feel tempted to succumb to drugs especially when they are in trouble. Since they lack enough experience, they are likely to consider following the wrong paths. However, if children grow up with straight rules laws from parents, they can learn how to fix their moral standards and match the societal values they learned about to real-life circumstances. Through such guidance, they can resist the temptation of taking drugs and grow up as good citizens.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that parents should set strict rules if they wish to see their children succeed in life., All things considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been efficiently and precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned above. Never should we forget that this issue may have a huge impact on our future.
Comment : 각 본론마다 논점에 맞지 않는 내용들이 들어가 있어서 감점요인이 좀 있을 것 같아요. 모델에세이를 응용해서 답을 작성할 때는 주제에 맞는 내용으로 확실하게 연결고리를 이어줘야 off-topic을 피할 수 있어요. 중간중간 내용에 맞지 않는 요소들이 들어가면 답안을 외워서 작성했다는 게 눈에 띄기 때문에 유의해주어야 합니다. 엄격한 규칙으로 아이들을 길러야 '이러이러한 점이 나아져서 성공한다'라고 연결이 명확히 드러날 수 있도록 주장을 발전시켜주세요. 문법에 맞지 않는 부분들도 함께 점검해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary
(답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함) |