▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who take it for
granted that we should not donate to charities who has low income. However, I
personally disagree with the above idea.,
iIt is clear that we should donate to
charities regardless of our income for the two subsequent reasons. First,
donation is very important for people who have not their own house. Second,
there are other ways to donate for poor people such as voluntary work is also some kind of donation.
First of all, donation is very important for
people who have not their own house. To be specific, there are many people who
could not live properly without any help. Who have not their own house cannot
survive in winter and who have not money in their pocket will not sustain their
life without food. Let me bring up my personal story as an example. For
example, when I went voluntary service at nursing home, I saw many old ladies
were sleeping on the bed and they there were
needed money for buying medicine that relieve their pain. Some were going to
die, and some were suffering from pain. I thought that this facility will not
sustain without voluntary service and money donation.
On top of that, there are other ways to donate
for poor people such as voluntary work is also
some kind of donation. What I mean is that, if you do not have any money,
voluntary work is a good
alternative way for donation. Voluntary work is
kind of workforce donation. So, there is no need for any money and you can
donate regardless of income.
In
conclusion, I firmly believe that we should donate to charities regardless of
our income. The reason is that donation is much very
needed for poor people and we can also donate
without any money by giving voluntary service.
Fair (23) 서론 -,로 문장 두개 이을 수 없습니다. 두가지 다른 문장으로 써주세요. -voluntary 형용사로 꾸며주는 명사없이 쓰면 부자연스럽습니다. voluntary work라고 더 명확히 써주세요.
첫번째 본문 -끝에서 세번째 줄에서, there were needed 의 수동태 표현 어색합니다. 그냥 they needed로 간결하게 써주시는 것이 더 의미 전달에 효과적입니다.
두번째 본문 -voluntary work -명사 앞에 관사 a/the 써주세요. -내용 너무 없습니다. 보충설명/예시 등등 더 내용을 써주셔야 글의 설득력이 올라갑니다.
결론 -very needed-->much meeded -also 넣어주시면 더 문맥상 매끄럽습니다.
문법/표현과 본문의 내용에 대해 개선해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~ |