▶ Your Answer :
I disagreed with this sentence. If parents want to see their children succeed in life, they have to
let their children free. I'll explain with three reasons. (서론이 매우 부실합니다. 다른 독립형 글들을 확인하시고 어떤 식으로 적었는지 참고하세요.)
First of all, there are many ways to succeed and no one can make
rules about all of it them. For example, some people says that
parents have to push their children to study hard. But some children succeed in life by playing games or creating something instead of studying. If parents made rules instead of for their children, they can could make mistakes.
They actually don't know what their children really want to do and what they
need. Children has have to make their own
identifical rules by themselves. (설득력이 부족합니다. 너무 주관적인 의견들만 적으셨고, 객관적인 근거가 없습니다. 예시도 추가하세요.)
Second, eventhought even though parents made strict rules, that can be broken
by children easilly easily. If
parents give hard pressure to thier
their children, they can be aggressive and hang out with bad people. We
can't see them in our lives. For instance, there are many students who
are in trouble with their parents. Parents want them to
be the best at something or be someone who they
want. But that person is not someone
their children want to be. It becomes just pressure to their children and makes
them not talk discourages them to talk with
their parents. Farther more Furthermore,
there are some students who went out of their houses or suicide
killed themselves because of this pressure.
(첫 문단이랑 마찬가지입니다.)
Lastly, the rules which is made by children is are more powerful. Many authors of books named like 'to success' says that they made
their own rules for their succeed success.
The rules made by own's self is Self-made
rules are easily keeped kept and
sustainable. In my experiance experience, i I made a succeed successful
life because of my own rules. When I was a high
school student, I made a promise to do
not watch TV untill until I go to a university.
It was a big rule for me. When I wanted to
watch TV, i bear it because it was the rule i made. If it was by my parent, i
just would watche TV. (무슨 뜻인지 파악이 어렵습니다.) At the end, I went to
university what I wanted to go to. It
was a significant experiance experience that
convinced me that self-made rules are efficient, and until now I am following
this method. that rules which i made is really important to
me and untill now i'm making new rules by myself.
As the result, I think parents have to
let their children make their own rules because since
there are many ways to succeed, children can go
against to there their parents if they
made strict rules for them and the rules can be powerful made by
themselves.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Limited (0-16) |
Score |
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Overall
Comment: |
전체적으로 문법 오류가 매우
많습니다. 위 지적사항들을 참고하세요. 추가적으로 설득력이 부족해요. 근거가 많이 부족하고 예시도 적절하지 않거나 부족합니다. |
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