Some people think that dealing with problems on their own is better than receiving received government assistance. However, in my opinion, receiving government assistance is necessary in fact, this is because of two reasons. One reason is that the aid of government is in need of people's passion and encouragement for the future, and the other another reason is that government actually can help people in dealing with problems in there lives from side.
To begin with, government assistance can affect people to become braver. If people have no help from government, they must be concerned about their future when challenging for something they want to do, because when they failed to complete something, they have to face the reality which is harsh. in risk. A recent study has shown that a majority of people who work in business field have worries about how they avoid or offset a risk when they got failed. In particular, most young people are afraid of the situation that they face the certain problems to build a career. For examples , like going abroad to study or getting financial tuition and finding a mentor for their job options. In this case, if they can receive assistance from government, they not only become braver, but also can feel a sense sence of safety safe when they are challenging and trying to do something.
Moreover, not in the area of emotional aid, they people actually can benefit from government in concrete situation. tThey will not worry about their some problems because of the help of government. In my case, I ever went to china to study Cchinese as a foreign student, and at that time, in that period, I had a severe car accident when I walked on street., In hospital, I had no money for an emergency surgery in that time, so my friend called the embassy for help. After a several conversations between my friend and a worker of the embassy, they gave me a temporary financial aid so that I could can survive from the accident. In that time Ii felt the biggest, infinite appreciation for government's help, also it's the a most impressive memory in China. If there it had not been for was no help from the government, I could not can't breath for now exactly.
To sum up, people can deal with problems with government assistance. assiatance. And for these reasons, I definitely think that government assistance is necessary for one-hundred percent rather than dealing with problems on their own.
Comment :
사람들이 문제상황에서 정부의 도움이 필요한가/아닌가를 묻는 문제이므로 '왜' 정부 도움이 필요한 상황들이 생기는지에 좀 더 초점을 두고 풀어주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 정부가 도와주면 심적으로 안전하다거나 힘들 때 걱정을 하지 않아도 된다는 설명은 도움을 받았을 때 결과적으로 개인이 느끼게 되는 효용이지 '정부의 도움이 필요한 이유'로 보기는 어려워요. 개인의 힘으로 해결할 수 없는 부분들이 있다는 점을 구체적으로 드러내서 정부 도움이 이러이러한 측면에서 필요함을 연결하는 것이 중요할 것 같아요. 다소 어려울 수 있는 주제이니 여러 사람들의 글과 모델에세이 등을 찾아보시면서 내용을 구성해보시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법오류가 좀 있는 편이니 꼼꼼하게 검토해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5
An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우)
Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured
(문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남)
- May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning
(문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음)
- An accumulation of errors in sentence structure and/or usage (두드러지는 문장구조/사용 상의 오류)