Some people think that it is better for parents to set strict rules for their children to acquire success. However, in my opinion, strict rules will not give their children a positive effect for their future instead of reaching for success.
To begin with, rigid rules make children be against to them. The more harsher the rules are harsh, the more likely desirable it is for children to get out of the world where they cannot do anything what they the want. For instance, my brother used to be on his phone all day long, so my mom made it a rule to turn his phone in to her before he goes to bed. He seemed to follow it well. However, he got up early in the morning and snuck his phone out. It shows that it does not help children to change their habit; it even makes the situation worse since they find out other ways to do things.
On top of that, there are other ways to fix things. Instead of making everything strict bad to children, there should be fun things to go with. For example, making goals for them to achieve, and give them treats for that. Even though they do not know what moral is, they will learn that it is helpful for them from their habits by performing things again and again. Punishing will not be an assistance of parents to make them achieve it. 질문 내용은 '벌'에 대한 것이 아니라 '엄격한 규칙을 적용하는 것'에 대한 내용이므로 문단 뒷부분 내용 논점이 맞지 않습니다.
To sum up with, knowing what is right to do or not is very important for children to be an adult, and the method to teach this them is much more important. The key is to provide them with positiveness toward the world, because they will hate it when the world is against them and tells them what they do is wrong. In this regard, I think there is no need for strict rules for children to be successful in their life.
Comment :
아이들의 성공을 위해서 엄격한 규칙으로 아이들을 기르는 것에 대한 문제이므로, 엄격한 규칙을 정해두는 것 자체에 초점을 두고 내용을 풀어주는 것이 중요합니다. 반항심을 가질 수 있다는 주장은 입장을 뒷받침하기에 적절하지만, 벌주는 것이 안 좋다거나 다른 좋은 방법이 있다는 식의 내용은 질문 내용에 정확하게 답변한다고 보기 어렵습니다. 엄격한 규칙이 '왜' 최고의 방법이 아닌지에 대해 풀어내는 형태로 흐름을 좀 더 다듬어보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 어법표현이나 지시대명사 사용이 어색한 부분들도 좀 더 신경써주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3/5
An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우)
- Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured
(문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남)
- May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning
(문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음)
- May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary
(답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함)