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Almost Most people usually have has been on a trip when they get a vacation from work or school. It is always valuable to get opportunities to have various experiences directly. 주제로 연결하는 도입부가 좀 어색해요. 그냥 바로 여행에서 딱 한 가지만 가져간다면 무엇을 가져가겠느냐 하는 질문은 재미있는데, 나라면 이럴 것이다, 하는 식으로 도입을 만드는 게 더 자연스러울 것 같아요. However, It if there is just one thing that I could take for a trip, it might be a smartphone. Smartphone is no longer a new word nowadays. Most of people think that the one of the things what we must have anytime and anywhere is smartphone. This is bB ecause there are many functions to make our life much more easier. rather r than period without smartphone such as camera, maps.
<아래 두 문단 본론1 한 문단으로 묶어주세요> First of all, when seeing we could see a great view and something special while traveling that is once in a life time, most of travelers would want to take pictures to remember them remain for a long time as means of recalling to their one's memory. I have never forgotten forget the camera when I was on a trip with large storage capacity.
The technologies of cellphone camera have been developed in recent years. There are more advantages of taking a smartphone camera on our trip than a normal camera. It is has light weights and easy to use it than a camera, which is good for people who feel is burdensome to use a camera. Also, we could take awesome pictures with various filters through applications on a phone.
<아래 두 문단 본론2 한 문단으로 묶어주세요> Moreover, there is one more beneficial thing that smartphone provides is a map function operated by applications from different companies competing each other to attract a lot of f customers. 어플리케이션 회사가 서로 경쟁한다는 내용은 지금 맥락에서 불필요합니다. When we would go to a place where is in a strange country or a city first, we have no idea how to get a destination where we want to go. The map function would be useful at that time. If we have smartphone that has a map application, we could find anywhere in the world with internet.
For example, when I went to Singapore with my parents in 2015, even it was my first oversea trip oversea, I could should have served guide my parents successfully with the help of my smartphone. for them. I did not had never know how to move to the sights we wanted to go, but, I used the Google Maps on my phone. It was so easy to find destination just by entering the name of the current location where we were and a place name where we wanted should have to go.
To sum up, smartphone is one thing but it that has various functions, which that will help people to make it easier to travel. do anything during travel. In this regard, if I should take just a one thing for a trip, I am strongly sure that I would take a smartphone.
Comment : 스마트폰의 사진기능과 지도기능을 각각 근거로 들어서 설명한 점은 좋지만, 내용 흐름이 어색하게 흘러가는 부분들은 좀 더 정돈이 필요해 보입니다. 문법오류가 많아서 전하고자 하는 내용이 제대로 전달되지 않는 부분이 많으니 주술호응, 시제표현, 수일치, 품사활용 등 전반적인 문법사항을 꼼꼼하게 검토해주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 서/본/결 문단 구분도 정확하게 나누어주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우) - A noticeably inappropriate choice of words or word forms (부적절한 단어 또는 형태의 사용) - An accumulation of errors in sentence structure and/or usage (두드러지는 문장구조/사용 상의 오류) |