▶ Your Answer :
It is questionable whether people in modern days put too many concerns on
their appearance and clothes they wear. I support this statement due to the
idea that appearance can act as competitiveness and the amount of money people
spend to advance their outer looks. To begin with, it is generally said that one’s appearance is his or
her competitiveness. To prefer a charming person is a fundamental desire of
humans. People who have superior outer looks can get competitive advantages
with their charm, and the Korean labor market in past years is a specific
example of this. A few years ago, there was a controversial issue that drew
people’s attention; is it fair or not if interviewees consider the
interviewer’s appearance(face, smile, even the physical shape) in the job
interview. Some companies’ interviewees hired applicants who have the
preferable appearance (this was considered as a convention) and those who did
not get hired sued the company for discrimination. After this controversy, the
government officials made a law that demands companies not to include the
applicant’s picture in the job applications. This case demonstrates one’s
appearance can work as competitiveness and people these days concern about it.
On top of that, you can see how much concern people putting on their
appearance by looking at how many moneys they spend to upgrade their outer
looks. People spend a lot of money on their appearance, not only clothes but
also physical aspects. They hire personal trainers to keep themselves in shape,
and they purchase expensive tanning machines. Specifically, there are LED masks
on the beauty market, which erase your wrinkles around your eyes and make your
skin clean. Although its price was fairly high, after its launch, the five
million devices were sold in just five days. Wanting to become beautiful is
natural desire. This indicates people these days willingly spend their money to
groom their appearance.
To sum up, one’s appearance is competitiveness in modern times and
people spend a lot of money on their outer looks. It is naïve to say building
one’s inner beauty is more important. In this regard, I agree with the statement
that people give their attention to their appearance and fashion these days.
첫번째 body의 예시 정말 상황에 잘 맞게 작성해주었습니다. 전체적인 주장이나, 이에 대한 supporting point 자세하게 잘 작성해주셔서 전체적인 가독성 좋은 것 같습니다. 어휘는 조금씩 반복되는 부분이 많았습니다. 조금만 더 다양하게 어휘 써주시면 표현력 더 좋아질 것 같습니다. 전체적인 structure는 아주 조리있게 작성해서 좋습니다. |