▶ Your Answer :
1 - having time with family, short time focus more, break gives time
Some people argue that children need to study for 11 months and to have a break for 1 month. While it might give some advantages, 9-month study and 3-month break will bring more positive effects on children's education for these reasons. First, students can have more time with their families. Also, short time study actually will let students focus more. Moreover, more given break time will let children learn other things. (따라서 본인의 주장이 무엇인건가요? 또한 단락에서 이유들을 말할 것이기 때문에 인트로를 굳이 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다.)
First, it will let children have more time families. A lot of students do not have enough time to spend with their families since they are so busy with schools. However, if schools give more break, students can spend more time with families. And family time is so important because it helps children feel comfort, sense of belonging, and loved. So 3-month break will help children feel loved and comfort eventually as spending more time their families and make more fun memories, like campings, trips, and family dinners Spending time with family is important as children can feel comfort, sense of belonging and feel loved. By taking three months of break, people can have a valuable experiences to take time with family. .
Moreover, it will help children focus better on their studying. Many children are having a hard time to focus on one thing for a long time. However, if they had to focus on something for a short period of time, it will help them focus better. And, it eventually will bring more positive outcomes, like better grades and more energies to work harder which would eventually lead to more positive outcomes. . One of my friends went to America when she was 16 for studying abroad to study abroad. She loved having a long break in the US. Because even though the studying time was not that long, she was able to focus on one thing more in a short time and it was more effective for her.
The last reason is that more given break time will let children learn more. School is not the only place that provides learning. Sometimes children need other places to learn, like extracurricular activities. In Korea, since all children are too busy with their school, it is so difficult for them to learn other things. But if schools give more time to a break, the children will experience more things during breaks and those experiences will help children know not only knowledge but also lessons of life.
In conclusion, it is better for children to have a 3-month break rather than to have a 1-month break in a year. Because it will let children have more time families. And it will help children focus better on their studying with better outcomes. Moreover, it will help children learn more things outside of schools.
점수: 20 너무 장황한 에세이입니다. 지금 이 에세이는 인트로 부터 시작해서 결론까지 너무 장황합니다. 에세이가 장황하다 보니 각 단락들을 통하여서 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 에세이가 장황하다 보면 본레 자기가 전달하려고 하는 의미들이 변질 되기 때문에 좀 더 간결하게 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 독립형 에세이에서는 세 가지 이유는 적절하지 않습니다. 세 가지 이유 서술하다 보면 장황해지는 경향이 있기 때문에 두 가지 이유로 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |