▶ Your Answer : Some people think that because of the improvement
of the technology in process, the most significant improvement for people’s
living quality hasn’t taken place. (Sounds awkward) However, I believe that the most significant
improvement for people’s living quality has already taken place for two
compelling reasons, which I will explore in the following essay. First of all, thanks to the advancement of
the technology, especially the Internet in modern days, people should admit
that the process of obtaining searching the information has been extremely simplified. These
days, information is power. (Why's that? Mention the reason why the information is power nowadays) As So as we can get a lot of information quickly on
the internet, we are able to improve our working ability and correspondingly
the quality of life. (How?) When the society was undeveloped, many people had to spend
tremendous amount of time and effort finding the information they needed.
However, as technology is brought up to date coming closer and closer towards the cutting edge,
finding information is so much easier and faster now. Studies at the Zhongshan
University showed that with the help of the internet, the amount of information
one can get during their life has risen by 452% than that of 30 years ago.
Thus, people’s living quality has improved significantly.
In addition, people can easily find
emotional relief and fully enjoy their lives by using advanced technologies
such as online games or cellphones. Countless entertaining games have been
created over the years, and they are available at any time and anywhere for any people. Today, people are
weary with too much stress. By playing online games or cellphones however, they
can temporarily forget about their problems and get some breathing space. My
personal experience can be illustrated to prove this point. Every morning, I
have to get through traffic congestion to get to school and read countless
texts. To make matters worse, I get exhausted coping with other people. (On what matters?) Hence,
as a way to effectively let go of my stress, I frequently play the mobile
phone. I’m able to use it in the break time and it is also very easy to carry. Even
it is only for a short period of time, my feeling easily become relaxed, and I
can escape from the demanding requests from school. Therefore, people can
easily remove their stress with concurrent technology, thus the topic is valid.
To sum up, I believe that the most
significant improvement for people’s living quality has already taken place,
because people can find the information they want and also relieve their stress
by modern technology. (By modern technology? What does this mean?) Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be
underestimated for the reasons I have mentioned above.
(422 words)
채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 3 | 3
| 3 | 3 | Score | Fair 18-21 | - 인트로 영역에서 topic을 그대로 부정하는 글은 문법상 어울리지 않습니다. "기계의 발전이 삶의 질을 높이는데 도움이 되지 않았다/ 오히려 부정적인 영향을 주었다는 의견도 있었다." 라는 등의 내용으로 참고하여 내용을 바꿔주시는 것이 좋겠습니다.
- information 을 searching 하는 것보다는 얻는 것 obtaining이 더 적절할 것으로 보이며, knowledge도 함께 연결해주시면 좋을 것으로 보입니다. - 내용에는 왜 information is power이며, 어떻게 internet이 working ability를 높였는지에 대한 설명 구문이 누락되었습니다.
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