▶ Your Answer : Advancement in technology greatly improved quality of human lives has been greatly improved. People are living in ever more comfortable world due to technology. People, nowadays, insist government to take further action in spending more money on expanding access to the internet for wider usage of technology. However, I strongly disagree with this point of view and believe that government should invest more money on improving public transportation. Traffic jam in major cities is in serious level. In addition, almost everyone in these days already have access to the internet. for the following two subsequent reasons (이미 밑에서 이유들을 설명을 할 것이기 때문에 인트로를 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다)
First and foremost, big cities are suffering from traffic congestion. During the commuting time, most of cars on the road are stuck on the street forever, causing delays in their work and being late to their work. Not only that but also, traffic congestion also cause many accidents causes many accidents (congestion는 단수 주어 입니다). Public transportation needs to be improved so that people can use public transportation instead of using their automobiles. If the public transportation is more widely used, all these problems arising in big cities can be solved easily. For example, the national research center in South Korea proved that after increasing 15 percent of government budget on developing public transportation, traffic condition in cities greatly improved. Therefore, government should spend more budget in public transportation improvement.
Secondly, most of people can easily have an access to the internet anywhere. Few decades ago when broadband technology was limited to few rich people, internet access was very limited. However, Internet access in widely available wherever people go in these days nowadays is widely available. Many small and big businesses provide WIFI system, which enables people to get an access to the internet, as a customer service. Moreover, many public areas also offer citizens free access to the internet. For instance, few weeks ago I had to send an immediate business mail to partner corporation during lunch time. I was in the park and writing an email through my phone. When I was about to send the email, I found out that I used all my mobile data. I was really worried in case if I could not send the email on time. However, I found out that my phone automatically accessed to free internet access the public park provided. Thus, I could send my email with no hassle. Hence, the internet access is already in excellent state that does not need more investment.
In brief, the benefit of spending more money on public transportation outweighs the good of spending money on expanding access to the internet for the following reasons I mentioned. In this regard, I strongly insist government should focus and put more effort and money on public transportation.
점수: 22 일단 두 번째 단락이 완전히 주제를 벗어났습니다. 지금 이 에세이의 주제는 정부가 왜 대중교통에 투자를 더 해야하는 지에 대한 에세이입니다. 하지만 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 이 부분과 전혀 상관없이 에세이를 서술하였습니다. 또한 예시도 완전히 주제를 벗어났기 때문에 항상 이유를 선정할 때에 주제에 초점을 두고 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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