workers who follow instructions from their manager are better than those who find new and better ways of performing tasks.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
It has been generally argued about whether workers who follow instructions from their manager are more better than those who find new and better ways of performing tasks. Some people might believe that employees at work should follow their managers' order because if they don't work in the owner's manner every work, it would mess make the company mass up; Nevertheless, others might disagree with it. However, I am convinced that it is efficient for workers in the company to discover new now and better ways while performing their projects. Actually, I have two specific reasons to strengthen my assertion. I will show and develop my personal idea as specifically as I can in the next following paragraphs: efficiency effects of worker's own methods and being easy to make less confliction between managers and workers. 필요 이상으로 서론의 분량이 많습니다. 서론이나 결론이 본론만큼이나 분량이 많을 경우 글 전체의 균형이 깨지게 됩니다. 서론에서는 간단하게 주제와 내 입장을 소개하는 형태로 / 결론에서는 본론에서 제시한 내용을 간단하게 정리하면서 마무리하는 정도로만 작성하면 됩니다. 서론 결론에 사용되는 시간을 줄이고 본론에 최대한 시간을 투자해서 논리적 흐름을 만드는 것이 중요합니다. 본론의 논리 보완에 시간을 더 투자할 수 있게끔 조절해주세요.
To begin with, employees can get their own ways when they have to do works according to their manager's goal. In fact actuality, workers who enter into the company passed by many entrance exams and are examined about whether they can work well and how and what they do in the company. Therefore, they already have their own manners to process an assignment they are assigned as a member of the department in the company, being able to find new and better ways of performing tasks. 이미 검증된 사람들이기 때문에 그들의 방식도 좋다고 논하는 것은 <어떤 사원이 더 좋은가>를 묻는 문제의 답이 될 수 없습니다. 이러이러한 점에서 더 좋다라는 결론이 나야 하는데, 그저 괜찮다는 결론이 나면 논점에 맞지 않겠지요. <매니저가 시키는대로 하는 것보다 능동적으로 자신의 방식을 찾아 일하는 사원을 두면 더 좋은점>으로 내용을 이해하고 생각해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. To provide my uncle's experience as an example, of this. he had been working in the information organization department in a company. He had no not problem with performing his work because he was majoring in Statistics in which he could learn many much organizational knowledge and many related computer programs in a computer, therefore making him do better his work and project. One day, he was ordered by his manager in the department chair in the company that he had "You have to finish typing and organizing the this business paper in a week. until next week." He got worried about a great deal of tasks, working amounts, three hundreds of pages of the paper. However, he performed his work by using his computer because he was good at using computer programs without any support about performing ways from his manager in the manager in the company. If the manager had told him to use another method or not to utilize his computer during the project, his work could have been finished well on time. 매니저의 지시사항대로 따르지 않는 사례가 아니라 단순히 관련된 지식이 있고 방법을 잘 알고 있어서 일을 해낼 수 있었던 사례에 해당합니다. 주제와 방향이 비슷한 내용이 되도록 다듬어주세요. 사례 내용이 필요 이상으로 구체적으로 제시되면 논점이 어긋날 우려가 생기고 오히려 전달력이 떨어집니다. 사례 내용은 내 주장이 실제로 맞다는 점만 증명하면 되므로 관련된 부분만 구체적으로 써 주시는 게 좋습니다.
Moreover, manager's instruction institution can cause confliction with members of the company to confuse their work and not to trust the manager. Because of current employees entered into the company have already many specific information and professional knowledge about their work because they have prepared to work their future company to be working on their job field and they are chose to become the member in the company among many competitors who have studied hard. 문장 내용이 잘 이해되지 않습니다. 내용단위로 문장을 구분하고 주술호응, 단어 활용과 문법요소를 검토해서 수정해주세요. Therefore, although the manager management skill the representative in the company is superior to the employees in the company, many abilities each worker workers in each departments has have are needed for the company to perform a variety of works to generate high profits. might have more superiority. In fact, KSC, Korean Statistical Center in South Korea, conducted research on workers' thoughts about the manager who instruct institutes about ways of performing their works. This research demonstrated that employees that were was disturbed about his performing their own process and manners by their manager thought that the manager was inferior to them performing their tasks in their job field and major and cause experienced confliction with the manager. them, which has a negative impact on the manager's reputation and trust. This clearly shows that the more the manager of the employees in the company prevents workers them from doing their work in their own manner, the worse the owner's influence in the company. 매니저가 자신의 방식을 강요하는 것에 대한 문제가 아니므로 논점에 맞지 않습니다. 논제 내용을 다시 점검하고 그에 맞게 재구성해주세요. / 마찬가지로 반복적인 내용이나 불필요한 내용이 너무 많아 전달력이 떨어집니다. 좀 더 간결한 표현에 초점을 두고 연습해주세요.
To summarize the points what I have mentioned above, workers who find new and better ways of performing tasks are better in the company in that the workers' own way to do their tasks in a company it can make better results and the manager's instruction institution can establish distrust untrust and confliction.
기 쉽습니다. 2-4문장 정도로 연결한다고 생각하고 사족 없이 꼭 필요한 내용들만 정리하는 연습을 하시면 도움이 될 거예요^^
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–18)
복잡한 문장을 구사하는 것보다 쉬운 문장을 구사하더라도 전달력이 높은 글이 좋은 점수를 받을 수 있습니다. 필요 이상으로 길게 문장을 연결하다보면 내용 전달력이 떨어지고 문법오류가 생기기 쉽습니다. 내용 단위로 문장을 끊어서 문법에 맞게 구사할 수 있도록 연습해주세요.
각 문단의 내용을 전개하는 과정에서 불필요한 내용이나 반복되는 내용이 많아 논점이 이탈하기 쉽습니다. 단계적인 구성이 되도록 개요 흐름을 먼저 잡고 시작하는 것이 좋습니다. 현재 계속 사용하고 계신 템플릿 대신에 모델에세이나 다른 분들이 쓰신 글을 참고하셔서 시간 내에 간결하게 글을 완성하는 형태로 틀을 잡아보는 것도 좋겠습니다. 템플릿에 무조건 관련된 내용을 모두 넣게 되면 논점이 어긋날 가능성이 높으니 논제를 계속 염두에 두고 글을 풀어나갈 수 있도록 신경써주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!