Drivers should pay a fee to be allowed to drive their cars during the time of day when there is the greatest amount of traffic.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
These days one of the main issues considered in our society is traffic congestion. Some people point out that the government should charge drivers extra fees for extra fees drivers when there is the greatest amount of traffic on roads. However I strongly believe that extra-fee-charging-system in rush hour would not be effective in helping a traffic flow smoothly. First, the system can be another reason of the traffic jam, and also it can break work efficiency. the life balance of workers.
First, a new system for collecting fees from drivers can be another cause of the traffic jam. To collect fees on the roads, there should be a system such as a toll booth with an automatic computer system or with a toll keeper. If the system is built up, this could take up much space on the roads hindering moving of cars. Many cars would slow down their speed to pay fees at the toll booth on the road, and this situation would worsen a traffic condition. 적절한 idea와 설명입니다. 논제 내용에 반박하기에 아주 좋은 idea를 생각해주신 것 같아요^^ Take very similar policy from the local government in my country, for example. A few years ago, the government implemented a regulation of a fee-collection-system near the famous holiday resort to decrease the heavy traffic in our summer holiday season. However, after building up the system, the traffic had never been decreased, rather the traffic condition was worsen due to the many toll booths hindering moving of cars on the road. Finally the government dropped the law and closed every toll booth system. This example shows that setting up the system of collecting fees can be an additional factor of blocking traffic flows. 사례 내용 역시 좋습니다. 같은 표현이 반복되는 부분들을 체크해보시고 다른 단어를 활용해서 [다양한 단어 사용]항목을 cover해보시는 것도 좋을 것 같아요^^
Secondly, a new regulation can decrease a work performance of office workers since it gives a lot of trouble in maintaining a balance between work and life. Normally, the greatest amount of traffic in a day happens in commuting time of working people. To avoid the morning and evening rush hour, workers should wake up one or two hours ealry and stay at their office later. This would cause a lack of sleep and unwanted longer working hours. With the broken work and life balance, employees could give lower work performance at their work. For example, A-max, famous electronics company in China, conducted a new rule that employees were to arrive at the company one hour earlier and leave one hour later to help the local traffic flow more smoothly. At first it seemed that the company’s new law contributed the local community. However, the profit of the company in that quarter was the lowest it had ever been. This proved that the broken work and life balance of workers resulted in the poor work performance at their office. Thus, the regulation that drives workers out of the roads in rush hour can decrease their work performance. 사람들이 rush hour를 피하려고 일찍 일어난다는 설명은 설득력이 조금 약한 것 같아요. 밑줄 친 내용의 경우 단순히 rush hour를 피한다는 설명만 제시되어 있을 뿐 요금을 내지 않으려고 일찍 일어난다는 전제조건도 빠져 있고요. rush hour에 요금을 부과하게 된다면 이 시간대를 피해 일찍 일어나는 것 보다는 다른 교통수단을 이용하는 경우가 더 보편적이겠지요. 직접적으로 논제의 키워드들(러시아워, 교통체증)과 연관성이 높은 idea들을 제시해주는 것이 좋습니다.
As considered above, I believe that government should not collect a fee from drivers when there is the greatest amount of traffic on roads.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–28)
기본적인 에세이 구성이 잘 잡혀 있는 점이 좋습니다. body2의 경우 좀 더 설득력있는 내용이 되도록 develop해주셔도 좋을 것 같아요. 채점기준 항목별로 어떤 부분을 더 보완해야 할지 생각해보면서 검토하시면 도움이 되실 거예요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!