Children should wait to begin learning a foreign language until they start school.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Everyone recognizes the importance of learning foregin languages in this global era. Unfortunately, the later one waits to begin learning another langugae, the harder it becomes. In this sense, I disagree that children should start learning language after they start school for two reasons: younger children have an advantage at language acquisition, and children who are not attending school have more free time to study languages.
To begin with, the younger the children are, the faster they learn the language. Typically, children are at the stage of developing language and expanding vocabulary. During that stage, if they learn several languages, they have abilities to acquire all those languages simultaneously all to the similar degree. Therefore, if children learn second language, they will be fluent for both their first and second languages. 아이일 때 배우는 것이 더 좋다는 점을 명확히 하기 위해서 '더 빨리 배운다'보다는 더 '잘 배운다'는 표현을 사용하는 것이 좋을 것 같아요. 언어학적인 접근을 통해서 아이일 때 배우는 것이 더 효과적이라는 설명을 연결한 부분들은 좋습니다. For example, I had have very hard time learning English, since I started to learn it during middle school years. However, all my friends were already very fluent in English because they had started going to English institution at the age of four, even before going to the kingdergarden. If I had learned English earlier, I would have been fluent in English as my friends were. In this regard, children learn English faster than they learn when they become adult. 어릴 때 배워야 더 잘 배운다는 점을 보여주기보다 '미리 배우지 않아서' 잘 못한다는 식으로 비칠 수 있을 것 같아요. 어릴 때 배우는 것이 더 효과적이라는 점을 보여주는 통계자료나 보도자료의 형태로 예증 자료를 제시해 보는 것도 좋겠습니다.
Furthermore, children have a lot of time to study languages. Generally, children not going to school are bored by staying home all day and pester their parents to do something fun. By letting them to study in the English institution for kids, they will both have fun and become fluent English speakers. To be specific, my brother who is five years old now has attended the special English institution for kids since he was three-year-old. He went there, because he pestered my mom too much, but after going there, my mom is now free from him during the time he is there. 아이들이 지루하니까 대신 외국어를 가르친다는 설명은 논점과는 맞지 않습니다. 아이들이 시간이 많아서 부모가 성가셔진다는 흐름이 아니라, 시간이 있을 때 배워두면 좋고, 나중에는 외국어를 배울 시간이 충분하지 않으니까 일찍이 배워두는 것이 좋다는 흐름이 더 적절할 것 같아요. The real benefit is that he is better at speaking English than I am. Therefore, he's pretty much prepared for his elementary school English class which he will take soon. If he had not studied English, he would have gained English and kept pestering my mom. Therefore, for children who do not attend school, it seems favorable to study English. 부모들이 편해진다는 논점 외에 미리 학업에 대비할 수 있다는 논점이 섞여 있으므로 문단의 unity가 떨어집니다. 우선 논점에 맞는 idea로 내용을 정리하고 그 idea에만 초점을 두고 흐름을 정리해주세요.
In a nutshell, children can learn English much faster when they are young, and they can have fun and valuable time before attending school. For these reasons, I disagree that children should not learn a foregin language before starting the school.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–19)
서론에서 제시한 기본적인 idea는 논제에 대한 답변으로 적절하지만, 글을 전개하는 과정에서 신빙성이 부족한 부분들과 논점을 이탈한 부분들이 감점요인이 되었습니다. 문단의 unity와 문제와의 coherence에 중점을 두고 적절하게 흐름만 다듬어주셔도 충분히 더 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 서론과 결론은 그대로 두고 본론만 revise하시는 것도 좋겠습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!