Every person delights in listening to music in popular culture (clarity를 위해서 문두에 쓰는게 더 좋을 것 같아요. Popular culture의 음악인이지 popular culture에서는 사람들이 그런다는 것인지 명확하게 하는게 좋습니다). For many reasons, music is important to people as it is being cherished and valued today. (as이하 구문이 이유를 말해주기 때문에 for many reasons는 써줄 필요는 없습니다.) This is attributed to its positive psychological impacts on people, its cultural popularity and its role to delight life.
l Intro에서 정확한 의견을 state 했고, 에세이의 방향성도 잘 적어주신 것 같아요. Good~
To begin with, listening to music acts on our mind and psychology. A survey conducted by Seoul National University revealed that music relieves emotional stress of people so that they can live with fresh and healthy mind. According to the survey, music provides us with emotional catharsis and freedom from daily stresses. A recent popularity of music therapy major indicates of (이경우 shows 가 더 좋을 것 같아요.) its effective healing power in human mind that cannot be compared with that of any other substances or psychiatric consulting.
l 한 문단에서는 하나의 이야기를 하는게 좋습니다. 서울대의 survey 이야기로 1st paragraph를 완성시키는게 좋을 것 같아요. 뒤에 music therapy major 이야기를 쓰기 보다는 서울대의 experiment에서 사람들이 노래를 듣고 더 완화된 스트레스 호르몬 수치를 보였다 등의 이야기를 쓰는게 좀 더 focused되어 보이고 좋을 것 같아요.
Additionally, music is significant in cultural perspectives. Music prevails in popular culture and often represents the cultures and citizens of every country. To illustrate the point, think about a Korean singer Psy's recent worldwide hit, "Gangnam style". This hit caused a significant Korean syndrome on in popular culture as Psy's horse dance spread widely and he interviewed in every many TV shows about the meanings of his song and dances. Through the amusing and jocular music, a Korean singer could not only present his unique style and culture but communicate his Korean root to music fans across the world. With "Gangnam style" heard everywhere, worldwide fans learned the funny implications of the word, "gangnam" and the distinctive Korean culture surrounding it. Also, taking part in the horse dance craze, worldwide fans experienced Korean styles of music and dance they would never have come across otherwise. That is, music is an important indicator of the culture and a unique medium of its expression despite the difference in nationality and race, and geographical barrier throughout the world.
l 밑줄 친 부분은 이 에세이에서 꼭 필요한 내용은 아닌 것 같아요. 에세이를 concise하게 하기 위해서 없어도 되는 부분 같아요. Redundant 하기도 하고요.
More importantly, music helps everyone to enjoy their lives to the fullest. Music is a good tool for in brightening the mood and conversion of atmosphere. It is widely used in special occasions like marriage proposals or enjoying a nice meal. It is used to uplift the atmosphere and stimulate joyful and happy feeling of (of 보다는 in이 더 자연스럽습니다.) people. As such, music is deeply ingrained in such general settings as wedding march, sport events, social parties, and so on, and imagining a life without music would be literally impossible.
l 밑줄 친 부분은 앞에 marriage proposal등등에 쓰인다고 이미 말한내용 이기 때문에, 중복입니다. 에세이에서는 가능하다면 중복을 피하는게 좋습니다. 그리고 special occasions 보다는 기쁜일에 음악이 사용된다고 더 정확하게 써 주는 것이 intro의 내용과 일치하고 더 smooth해요.
In conclusion, music is important in our lives in many aspects. It affects our mind and psychology positively and possesses great healing power as a therapy. Music is also an important medium of culture throughout the world, and is an essential element in enjoying life at every place and time for its potential to lift the spirit. All in all, music is so important that we cannot imagine a life without music.
Writing 0-30 score scale
Fair-Good (20-24)
전반적으로 에세이의 구성은 좋았으나, paragraph마다 불필요한 내용들이 조금 있었습니다. Redundancy를 줄이고 조금 더 focused되게 에세이를 쓴다면 더 좋은 에세이가 될 것 같습니다. Intro나 Conclusion에서 간략하게 요약해서 말한 것은 정말 잘 한 것 같아요.
수고하셨습니다~
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