The government should pay more attention to health care issues than environmental issues.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요.
There has been an argument regarding the issue of whether the government should pay more attention to health care issues than environmental issues. Some people maintain that health care issues are more urgent. However, from my perspective, the government should concentrate more on dealing with environmental problems than health related issues. In this essay, i will present two reasons to support my idea. 깔끔한 서론입니다.
To begin with, government funds designated to solve environmental issues are always less than that given to health care systems. 현재 environment에 투자되는 세금의 양이 적다는 것이 이유가 될 수는 없습니다. 현재 투자되는 세금이 적은 것이 어떠한 불이익을 초래하고 있는지, 악영향을 미치는지에 대한 언급이 있다면 정당화 될 수 있겠지요. 즉 결국엔 environment가 economy에 비해 절대 열위에 있는 가치가 아님을 강조할 필요가 있습니다. 그만한 가치를 가지고 있는 environment가 그 가치에 비해 투자가 적게 이루어지고 있다는 것을 언급해 주셔야 하죠. In fact, there was a recent announcement which states that there will be a budget cut for environmental agencies, while subsidizing more hospitals to provide health care services. For example, in 2013, the US government reduced funding given to the Environmental Protection Agency by 15%. Consequently, the number of activities such as promoting Green environment and advertising the importance of sustaining our ecosystem greatly decreased. In the end, this has resulted in augment of carbon dioxide percentage in the atmosphere. If this reduction continues, more serious environmental problems will arise and affect the lives of people in the world. 이것처럼 environmenal problems이 얼마나 crucial한지에 대해 강조해주시면 좋겠죠?
Moreover, improving the environment will prevent the loss of many lives. 본론2의 유지의 연장선상에 있는 idea인 것 같습니다. By and large, thousands of children in Africa are dying because of inadequate drinking water. The major cause of this phenomenon is the chemical wastes from factories that flow into the lake and which contaminate the water. According to UNICEF, about 3000 children die per 기간 설정해주세요 due to lack of purified water. In addition, the same organization has estimated that the number of people who are dying from the diseases that arose from drinking polluted water, are about 10000 per year. As we can see, a large number of people can be saved by providing them with clean and edible water. Furthermore, the money spent on health care can be minimized as less people will get sick from drinking polluted water. 예시 자체는 좋지만, 분량을 늘리기 위해 다소 장황하게 쓴 느낌이 듭니다. main idea에 대한 설명 3~5문장을 먼저 해주시고, 예시로 세부적인 부분만 채우시는 것이 좋을 것 같아요.
In a nutshell, my contention is that increasing funding for repairing environments is more crucial than that of health care. This is because the money given to enhance health care system always surpasses the fund given to environmental agencies and that numerous number of lives can be saved by keeping the environment clean.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (15~19)
우선, 질문에 대한 답변의 근거 두가지를 확실히 하셔야 할 것 같아요. 본론1과 본론2의 요지의 차이점이 명확히 드러나지 않습니다. ~ 라는 본론1과 본론2의 요지가 서로 배타적이지 않고, 오히려 연결관계에 있다는 느낌이 들었습니다. 큰 틀을 정확히 정하시고 글을 쓰신다면 훨씬 더 깔끔한 글이 될 것 같습니다. 또한 오타류와 시제,태, 수일치등 문법적인 것들도 꼼꼼히 확인해주세요. 수고하셨습니다.^^