Some people say that the news media is trustworthy source of consistent information. Although most of news media pretends to be unbiased and precise, distortions and extravagancy are easily found in articles or reports. This is because every media company has differentiated opinion and their reports are usually focused on issues which attract attention of public.
서론은 깔끔합니다.
On top of that, issues reported by media may be biased to their own opinion. It is obvious that group of people forms tendency which reflects their identity. Thus, articles or reports produced by the media company who has their own proposition can’t be free from distortion. For example, I usually read the newspaper released from the company which(whose) name is Hanguerae. But my father often mentions the content of articles from another newspaper produced by Joongang newspaper company. This is because opinion about political issues from those two companies is totally opposite, and political opinion of me and my father is in confrontation, thus newspapers from two different company are delivered to my house in every morning. ( 문장이 지나치게 길어 의미전달이 불분명합니다. Thus 앞에서 문장을 끊고 새로 시작하는 것이 좋습니다. )
본문의 요지는 잘 전달 되는 편입니다. 효과적인 전달을 위해서, 단순히 두 언론이 서로다른 특성을 지닌다~라기 보단, conservative 하다 라고 특징을 집어서 말하는 것이 더욱 좋습니다.
In addition, most of media companies are concentrated on reporting issues which easily stimulate publics, so their articles are often overstated in order to attract public’s concern. (topic sentence가 과도하게 길어, 무엇이 주장인지 구분이 어렵습니다. Most of media companies are concentrated on reporting issues that can attract readers' interest 라고 쓰시는 것이 좋습니다. ) It is generally accepted that there exist fierce competition between media companies to gather much more readers. For example, about a quarter ago, there was a disaster that (about)sink a boat with plenty of unsaved passengers in the sea called as Saewol disaster in Korea. Many media report this issues competitively at that time. But several media report unconfirmed list of dead and wounded people, so many people obtained wrong information and misunderstand.
세월호 예시를 든 후에는 closing statement를 제시하여 문장의 구조적 완결성을 키우는 것이 좋습니다.
To sum up, distorted and exaggerated information are included in news, because opinion of media companies are distinguished and competitive environment make company magnify such issues. In conclusion, I firmly believe that the news media in not dependable source of robust information.
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
에세이 자체의 내용적인 측면은 좋습니다. 또한, 문법적인 실수가 적어 의미전달은 상대적으로 깔끔한 편입니다. 하지만, 문장의 길이가 과도하게 긴 경우가 있어 주의하셔야 합니다. 또한 wrap up sentence 쓰는 것을 습관화 하시면 글의 구조적 완결성이 높아질 것입니다.