With the help of the Internet, students can learn more effectively.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요.
There is an argument over whether by using the Internet students are able to learn more effectively. Some people believe that the Internet is one of the most effective methods for students’ studying because students can research valuable information with great ease and in a short period of time. My view, however, is that the Internet is not effective for students. This is largely because they can be distracted from studying by using the Internet. Moreover, the Internet leads to confusing confusion to pure students because of incredible excessive information.
To begin with, the Internet distracts students from focusing on their studying studies. 좋은 thesis 입니다. This is because the Internet has negative influence on the grounds that there is an excessive amount of entertainment on the Internet. For example, there are light-hearted video clips and social network service, games. It can contribute influence students’ grades negatively. Actually, more than fifty percent students have experienced Internet addiction in Korea high school because the Internet has an addictive factor such as alcohol or drugs. According to a study conducted by a team of researchers at Yonsei University, more than eighty percent surveyed Korean students mentioned that the Internet has negative impact on their academic performance. Also, the survey found that by playing games respondents could not focus on their mathematics questions, which is evidence that they have become addictive on the Internet. 본론에서 예시가 차지하는 비중이 너무 큽니다. 본론의 main idea는 잘 잡아주셨는데, 이 idea가 전개가 전혀 되지 않고 있습니다. <왜,어떻게> 인터넷이 학생들의 공부를 방해하는징 대한 설명이 반드시 필요합니다. 조금 더 일반적인 진술로 인터넷의 distraction 효과를 설명해주신 뒤, 그 후에 구체적인 예시로 나머지 분량을 보완해주시는 것이 좋을 것 같네요. 또한 본론1의 idea는 Internet's distraction인만큼 distraction에만 집중해주시고, excessive information과 같은 point는 두번째 본론을 위해 아껴두시는 것이 좋을 것 같네요. That is why students can be distracted from concentrating on their learning by the Internet.
Furthermore, the Internet can lead students to be confused as incredible with too much (incredible은 주로 긍정적인 수식어로 쓰이니 유의해주세요.)information. There is too much misleading information on the Internet such as rumors because anyone can post information on the Internet. It is better for Students are better to research and study materials conducted by experts because the those materials are verified by many predominant specialists. idea도 좋고 여기까지 설명을 잘 해주신 것 같아요. 하지만 문장과 문장사이 조금 더 살을 붙여주시면 훨씬 매끄럽고 자연스러운 글이 될 것 같습니다. 예시로 넘어가기전에 우선 왜 인터넷에 <과도한 양의 정보가 제공되는지>, <왜 모든 정보를 신뢰할 수 없는지>, <학생들에게 이것이 어떻게 부정적인 영향을 끼치는지> 에 대한 보완 설명이 필요할 것 같네요. For example, I researched materials about animal’s camouflage for my mid-term essay on the Internet. However my professor found out that the materials in my essay were full of misleading wrong information. Therefore, he flatly rejected my essay for the lack of credibility. Taking fail score, I realized that information leads to students from being distracted for getting accurate information. If I had studied books written by experts, I would have not been taken a fail grade. As my case shows, the use of the Internet has negative effect on students. 적절한 예시입니다.
To summarize, I disagree with the opinion that students learn more by using the Internet. Students should decrease to spend time used by the Internet (굳이 논제에 포함되어있지 않은, 학생들이 인터넷 사용 시간을 줄여야 한다는 내용은 안써주셔도 될 것 같습니다.) This is because they are distracted by joyful materials on the Internet. In addition, the Internet contributes to misleading students. As far as students’ academic performance is concerned, the Internet does more harm than good.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited (11-15)
논제에 대한 idea들은 좋은 방향으로 흘러가고 있습니다. 다만, 작성자님의 의견에 대한 근거가 충.분.히 설명되도록 단계적으로 (3~5문장으로) 설명해주시면 훨씬 자연스러운 글이 될 것 같습니다. 논제와 더 연관성을 높이는 방향으로 idea를 발전시켜주세요. 논제에 대한 답변으로 연결하는 부분을 중점적으로 연습해주세요. 또한 첫번째 이유와 두번째 이유가 겹치지 않도록 그 차이점을 확실하게 염두에 두시고 발전시켜주세요^^ 수고하셨습니다.^^