Some people might argue that parents
helps children to learning knowledge in a short period time. However,
contrary to this idea, I strongly believe that the best method for learning is
doing things by oneself. The fundamental reason behind this is that knowledge acquired by oneself will stays longer keep a longer memory and it
(지칭하는 대상이 애매합니다. Knowledge가 되어야 하는데 knowledge가 efficiency를 향상시키는 것이 아니라 혼자 배우는 것이 향상시키는 것 이기 때문에 의미가 애매해집니다.) improves
children`s learning efficiency.
First of all, learning in person is more memorable. (주어와 형용사의 관계가 어색합니다. 정확한 의미전달이 안되는 표현이에요. 수정해주세요) This is
mainly because although parents help children`s learning, this information can
be easily forgotten. (일반적으로 this is mainly because~ 구문뒤에는 앞의 내용에
대한 이유가 오게 됩니다. 앞의 내용이 스스로 배우는 것이 좋다는 내용이기 때문에 이 구문에서 스스로
배우는 것이 왜 좋은지를 쓰는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 예를 들어
This is mainly because if children learn knowledge by themselves, they are more
likely to remember those knowledge for a long time.으로 쓸 수 있습니다.) However,
hands-on learning experience requires learner to use all five senses ranging
from sight to touch, which can activate not only a brain but also a body. Thus,
such a lively experience allows children knowledge to remain etched in mind. (remain etched의 의미상 주어는
children이 될 수 없습니다. 마음속에 남는 것은 아이들이 아니라 지식입니다.) From my experience exeprience,
when I was in high school, I had a chance to learn how to cook in my home
economics class. Thanks to cooking a number of foods (the class로 바꾸는 게 자연스럽습니다), I could
learn to cook delicious traditional dishes. This was because I learned all ingredients and
cooking procedures while actually cutting meat
and vegetable, mixing seasoning, and tasting. However,
cooking with parents did not remember me how to cook in real situation. (문장의 의미가 어색합니다. 주어와 동상의 의미가 맞지 않습니다. 수정해주세요.)
Moreover, first-hands learning
experience promotes children`s learning efficiency. An important reason is that
learning with parents sometimes bores children.
However, learning in person allows children to see and feel everything we want.
Thus, this learning method helps children to participate in learning more
enthusiastically and children are able to apply this knowledge into practice.
According to the research conducted by Seoul National University in 2011, two
groups of students showed the difference in academic achievement. Students in
group A learned science information by themselves and those in group B learned
it by getting parents` help. The result showed that the former group spent more
time studying by 30percent and enthusiastically participated in learning. What is more, they
completed given assignments on time. In contrast, the latter group engaged in
distractive behaviors varying from doodling to
dozing off.
In conclusion, without any doubt, I am convinced that unlike learning with parents, first-hand learning experience is more helpful for children. This is because it is more memorable and encourage children to be much more motivating.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair (17-23)
부모님과 함께 경험을 하는 것도 hands-on experience가 가능합니다. 따라서 부모님과의 경험이 아니라 부모님께 단순하게 instruction을 듣는 것은 좋지 않다는 내용으로 바꾸는 것이 좋을 것 같아요. 그리고 다른 에세이들에서도 말했듯이 주어,동사,형용사의 관계를 생각해서 문장을 구성할 수 있도록 노력해주세요. 내용상 어울리는 형용사를 써야하고 주어와 동사도 의미가 통해야 전반적인 내용의 흐름이 좋아집니다.
수고하셨습니다.