Some people might argue that university should spend more money to libraries to provide students with more educational opportunities. However, contrary to thid idea, I strongly believe that university should invest the same amount of budget to sports activities. The fundamental reason behind this is that sports activities help people to improve their mental health and a sense of responsibility.
전반적인 구조도 깔끔하고 general statement의 흐름이 논리적이여서 좋은 본문입니다. 이전 글 보다 훨신 나은 서론입니다!^^
First of all, enjoying sports activities alleviate(enjoying동명사가 주어이니, alleviates가 정확한 단어이겠죠) students` stress. This is mainly because sports help students clear and relax the mind. Clearning the mind allows students to search a fresh approach to perplexing and stressful problems in college. Thus, students are able to have a belief moment of relief and they will escape from a number of stressful things. From my experience, when I was in college, I was extremely exhausted and stressed duto my demanding work hours. However, after joing basketball club, it helped me relieve my stress.
alleviate stress할 수 있다는 점을 잘 지적해 주셨습니다. 그런데, closing statement가 없어서 글이 미완결 된 느낌이 강하게 듭니다. 자신의 개인적인 예시로 글을 맺으면, general agreement를 얻기 힘들기 때문에 꼭 closing statement를 작성해주시기 바랍니다.
Moreover, sports activities help students to improve their sense of responsibility. An important reason is that enjoying sports requires students to timely and orderly carry out a number of crucial duties such as managing the time, following the rules, and cooperating with others obedience. (한 문장이 지나치게 길어 의미전달이 효과적이지 않습니다. ~crucial duties ; managing time, following ~과 같은 형태가 더욱 권장됩니다) For instance, my 15-year-old brother used to be very irresponsible and negligent. Fortunately, after joing a soccer club, my brother could learn his irresponsible actions. This was because he realized that his selfishness had a negative impact on others and delayed every steps to win a game
마찬가지로, 개인적인 예시는 더더구나 주장과 꼭 이어주시기 바랍니다.
In conclusionm without any doubt, I am convinced that sports activities can maintain people`s mental health and develop their sense of responsibility.
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
전반적으로 깔끔하며, 이전 에세이 보다 전반적이 질이 좋습니다. 하지만, 여전히 구조적 완결성을 가지지 못해, 좋은 점수가 나오지 않을 수 있으니, closing statement쓰시길 권장합니다. 또한, 결론도, 단순히 요약 문으로만 쓰지말고 impact를 줄 수 있는 문장 한두가지를 곁드리면 더욱 좋을 것입니다.