These days, we can easily
find people who are smoking. Therefore, complains toward
smokers are rising raising.
Ordinary people don't want to smell the smoke but it is unavoidable. This
disharmony between nonsmokers and smokers is one of the serious problems in our
society. To solve this, some countries made a rule that prevents smokers from smokers from smoking in public buildings. However,
I don't agree with this rule. From the smoker's view, it
is difficult to quit smoking because of the addiction. Even worse, there are
not enough places to smoke. In this situation, limiting places for smoking
would make us see more smokers in on streets.
Rather, making enough places that accept smokers would make complains of both
smokers and nonsmokers reduced. This law will make more clear streets because
smokers don't need to smoke on the street there. Like this, to reduce the rates of smokers, the
laws have to change the essential problems. (법이 스스로 변할 수는 없기 때문에 law have to change라는 능동형은 어울리지 않는 것 같아요.) Reducing the number of cigarette factories
would be a good example. There are too many companies that produce countless of
cigarettes every year, even though smoking jeopardizes the health. In addition,
the design of cigarette has a good appearance. People have interests in smoking
at first time because it looks nice and from that point, they can't stop smoking
because of it's addiction. If the
gorgeous case is replaced by the rustic
one that is embarrassing, people won't try to buy
cigarettes. (rustic이라는 표현은 어울리지 않는 것 같습니다. 소박한/시골의
등의 뜻을 가지고 있어서 잔인한 등의 뜻인 cruel 등의 표현이 더 잘 어울릴 것 같아요.)
For other example, raising the price can make people hesitate when buying to buy
cigarettes. Some countries didn't carre of
these essential problems but just reduced the places for smoking. (문장구조를 바꾸는 것이 더 clear한 의미전달을 위해 좋을 것 같습니다.. Some countries
just reduced the places for smoking without caring those essential problems.) Although some people advocate the opinion that the
smoking can spoil the mood so should not be allowed
in public places, it would be fine if allow smokers only in
specific place of the building. (mood 를 spoil한다는 표현이 어색합니다. 그리고 뒤의 it would be fine~ 문장도 문장구성이 어색해서
의미전달이 정확하지 않습니다. 수정하는 게 좋을 것 같아요.) Reducing the smoking place is a minor
solution so the laws have to modify the essential problems.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Limited (10-17)
전반적인 에세이의 구조가 안잡혀 있습니다. 토플 에세이의 경우 formal essay이기 때문에, structure를 잘 잡는 것도 중요합니다. Intro가 있고 body paragraph에서 설명을 해주는 것이 일반적이고 conlcusion도 쓰는 게 좋습니다. 정확한 이유를 2가지정도 설정해서 intro에서 소개를 한 후, body에서 한 이유씩 설명을 해주도록 해보세요. 그리고 문법적인 부분에서도 조금 더 신경을 쓰는 편이 좋을 것 같아요.
수고하셨습니다.