Some people think that our young adults are more affected by their parents or teachers than by their friends. However, in my opinion, in juvenile period, friends have the greatest effect on young adults because teenager have a lot of time with their friends and in juvenile periods, young adults are inclined to think their friends are most important in their life.
l juvenile시기 자체가 청소년기를 통합해서 말하는 것 이기 떄문에, 굳이 young adult, teenager 등의 표현과 함께 쓸 필요가 없습니다. 같은 문장에 같은말을 반복하는 것이 됩니다.
To begin with, teenagers spend a lot of time with their friends. People are resembling and are being influenced by their friends Students resemble each other because they have a lot of time together. (resemble은 진행형으로 표현이 불가능한 동사입니다. 그리고 단순히 people보다는 student라고 하는게 좋을 것 같아요.) In this reason, teenagers are affected by characteristics of their friends. Some studies have shown that when researchers investigated attitudes about some situations and lingual habit, close friends had have great similarities. In this way, as friends share a lot of characteristics, they are most influence on each others.
On top of that, teenagers find their friends most important people in the world. They don't care about critical advices of their teachers or parents if the advices is are related to their friends. Moreover, because of relations of their children, they do wrong behaviors. (their children 부분이 어색합니다. Their이 칭하는 것이 명확하지 않고 children보다는 students/teenager 등의표현이 적합할 것 같아요.) For example, friend of mine has smoked since middle school because his friends encouraged him to smoke. Young adults feel scared if they don't do the same behavior of other friends,
To sum up, teenagers play together for long time and young adults think friends most important people. In this regard, young adults are influenced by their friends.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair (17-23)
에세이의 흐름이나 이유의 선택이 좋습니다. 정확하게 주장을 support하고 논리적입니다. 하지만 문장의 표현에 있어서 좀 더 노력을 하면 좋을 것 같아요. 반복되는 어휘나 구문을 피하고 다양하게 쓸 수 있도록 해보세요. 그리고 불필요한 내용은 생략하고 문법적인 부분에도 조금 신경을 쓰는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 동사의 쓰임이나 시제 등에 대해 주의해서 proof reading을 해보세요.
수고하셨습니다.