Some people might think that cooperation was more important in the past. However, I think it plays more significant role today because people need to cooperate with others for business, environment and study.
( intro가 너무 짧습니다. 좀더 broad하게 주제를 펼쳐 나가서 주제로 이끌어야 합니다.)
To begin with, many businesses have to cooperate with other businesses to earn more profit. Today, there are many big, medium and small industries. Big businesses have many regular consumers and earn a lot of profit. However, it is hard for small businessses to survive in the industry where big companies are getting all the consumers. Therefore, small businesses have to cooperate and make the synergy out of it to compete with big businesses. For example, Samsung is dominating cell phone industry in Korea. So few small businesses worked together to produce better quality phones, which allowed them to earn much profit than they did when they were working alone. ( cooperation을 뒷받침 하는 예시
Moreover, many countries have to work together to protect the environment. Recently, global warming and other environmenal issues became problems all around the world. If only one country is trying to slow down the global warming and other countries are not, global warming will not be solved. If almost every country cooperate to solve the problem, it will be more efficient and effective. For instance, the islands in Japan are slowly sinking because of global warming and rise in sea level. If only Japanese government tries to solve the problem, it will eventuall fail because other countries are still releasing greenhouse gases and worsening the global warming. However, if all the countries work together and reduce the greenhouse gass emission, they will be able to slow down the sinking of Japanese islands in shorter period of time.
Lastly, students have to study together in order to get higher grades. Today, a competition is so fierce that only excellent students are going to good universities and getting good jobs. Students who are not very good at studying just give up from an early stage and sometimes they are excluded from the society when they grow up. However, if these students study together, share their ways of studying and help each other, they will be able to make a win-win situation. Both studetns who are teaching and getting help will be able to get higher grades. Through discussion, they will be able to develop their speaking skills and get different ideas and thoughts from different people and widen their range of thinking. For example, I had a friends who was getting good scores even though she study very hard. Once she asked me to tutor her for science. Since I was getting quite good marks on science, I agreed. Through tutoring her, I realized that not only her scores but also my scores got higher. This is because I had to revise and understand the concept fully in order to teach her. //////it shows that ~~~~~~~
( body 1,2,3구문들의 연계성이 필요합니다.
삼성예시
환경예시
학생들 예시 등 너무 동 떨어져 보입니다.
긴밀하게 body를 연결 시켜 보세요
그리고 body가 너무 깁니다 !
핵심만 간추려서 정리 해보세요 )
To sum up, businesses have to cooperate to earn more profit, countries to solve global issues and students to obtain better grades. Cooperation is getting more important in today's society. Therefore, I agree with the statement that working with others is more important today than in the past.
(바디에서 썻던 소주제들을 좀 더 풀어서 정리하듯 conclusion을 채워보세요 )
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점) 논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task 적절한 설명 appropriate explanation 적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details 일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence 다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety 적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity Writing 0–30 score scale Limited - Fair (16–20)
각 body의 주장이 논제가 묻는 내용에 대한 답변이 되도록 내용을 정돈해주세요 body의 연관성, 예시 아주 중요합니다. 한 문단 한 문단 이어지게 초점을 맞추어 다시 rewrite해보세요 ! 수고하셨어요 |