Some people think that it is cruel and wrong to confine animals in zoos. They probably feel that zoos which are very different from natural environment bring about the high level of stress to animals. However, in my opinion, zoos serve useful function (in today’s society) so I agree with operating zoos. There are two reasons to support my idea as follows.
First of all, zoos provide children with the opportunity to get an education about animals in person. Todays, with the development of science and civilization, it is hard for children to watch animals in person. Children just see and learn about them animals through books or television which is not enough to explain them. (them을 지칭하는 것이 children도 될 수 있고 animals도 될 수 있기 때문에 조금 애매합니다. Animals’ behavior 이라고 바꿔서 확실하게 쓰는 게 좋습니다.) However, at the zoo in the zoos, children can see the same actual animals and even touch and feed them. Spending time with animals might be a great experience and helpful to children educationally. For example, when I was 13-year-old, my father took me to the zoos in my city. By the time, I did not know well about animals’ name and their appearances. However, after the pressure time, I got to know how they look like and how they sound. (pressure time이 무엇을 의미하는 지 모르겠습니다…) I think the experience was very useful and helpful time to me.
l 동물원에서의 경험이 단순히 useful/helpful했다고 쓰는 것 보다는, 동물에 대한 지식이 높아졌다고 쓰는 게 더 좋을 것 같아요.
In addition, zoos have a function of protecting endangered animals. It is obvious fact that there are many animals, which have had that are in a risk of extinction, in zoos. The People who work at zoos provide a comfortable environment to animals by feeding them, caring about them and even helping artificial incubation. (뒷 문장의 주어인 they가 people이기 때문에 confusion을 막기위해 them(animal)을 쓰지 않는게 좋습니다.) Also, they try to give animals similar surroundings with wilds as much as possible. Unless If some animals were not protected by zoos, they would have been disappeared forever. For example, Siberian Tigers has nearly died out in Korea, but they didn’t go extinct because many zoos take took care of them in favorable environment. As a consequence, zoos serve valuable function by providing shelter to endangered species.
All in all, because of the reasons mentioned above, I firmly believe that there are many advantages of zoos.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair – Good (20-27)
문법적인 부분이나 내용적인 부분에서 문제없이 잘 읽히는 에세이 입니다. 정확한 주장과 related된 이유를 잘 쓰신 것 같아요. 하지만 they나 them을 많이 사용해서 전반적인 에세이의 tone이 조금 informal 합니다. 그리고 지칭하는 명사도 명확하지 않아서 뜻이 애매해 지는 부분이 조금 있습니다. 그런 부분에 주의해서 proof reading하고 수정한다면 더 좋은 에세이가 될 것 같습니다.
수고하셨습니다.