As the world changes faster than ever before, the society requires students to study more than in the past. In such society, most of universities are inclined to fund more their libraries than athletic departments. However, in my opinion, Universities should invest an equal amount of money in both libraries and sports departments. There are two reasons I could discuss to support my opinion. (앞에 에세이와 마찬가지로Intro 부분 좋습니다. !) First, sports activities play a pivotal role in enhancing student’s physical health. This is evidenced by a number of clinical studies Second, sports activities foster student’s social skills. This is because they can learn a lot of skills, such as cooperation and leadership, from sports activities. Students who participate in sports activities are able to have chances to learn how to lead other members or how to make other people enhance their confidence to win the game by playing games. ( can you simplify this sentence ? ) The best example is a soccer game. They cheer for their teammate, pass the ball to one another, and strive together for the common goal of leading the game to victory, one that a single person cannot attain. ( 좀 더 social skills에 대해 자세히 써주세요 왜 soccer가 social skill에 왜 helpful한지 근거 있게 ex) team play, communication skills. leadership etc. ㅡmore details ) Through this activity, students can have the chance to learn how to cooperate and work as a team. Thus, Students can learn social skills from sports activities in universities. To sum up, I strongly believe that universities should give the same amount of money to student’s athletic departments as they do to their libraries for two reasons: Physical health and social skills ( simple but 좀더 풀어서 글을 끝내주세요 주제들을 좀 더 풀어서 정리해나가면서 conclusion을 마무리 하는 연습 ) |
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점) 논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task 적절한 설명 appropriate explanation 적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details 일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence 다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety 적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity Writing 0–30 score scale Good (24–27) - 앞에 것과 같습니다 좀 더 concusion연습해주시고 - example에 대해 더 supporting 해주시고, 접속사 여러가지 쓰는 연습들, 다양한 구문을 쓰는것 연습해주세요 - 수고 하셨습니다. ! |