With the help of the Internet, students can learn more effectively.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Many people believe that the Internet is not helpful for students to study. However, I think that students can learn more effectively using the Internet. This is because students can attain customized study materials using the Internet, and they can access information anywhere or anytime.
First, students can attain customized study materials on the Internet. The Internet offers free access to anyone who wants to write or read information. This means that when students want study materials about their classes, they can choose the materials which perfectly fit themselves on the Internet. 누구나 자유롭게 접근하고 정보를 게시할 수 있다는 점이 왜 customized된 자료를 얻을 수 있다는 것과 연결되는지 잘 모르겠습니다. 설명 내용을 다듬어서 학생들이 '왜' 인터넷을 활용하면 쉽게 자신에게 맞는 학습자료를 구할 수 있는지 제시해주세요. 또한 학습의 효율성과 customized material이 어떤 연관성을 갖는지에 대한 설명도 더 필요합니다. For example, my brother, Tom, was able to have a wide range of knowledge on his physics course with the help of the Internet when he was in the high school. He would say that books of the about physics in his school library were so hard to understand. However, after he started to use the Internet, he could attain lots of the study information that perfectly fit fits (과거시제 fit) him. Finally, he got the A on his physics course. Thus, the Internet can help students to learn more effectively.
Second, using the Internet, you can access information anywhere or anytime. Just with your laptop, you can get the information you need with a few clicks. Not going to library, even after the midnight, you can find the study information on the Internet. 언제 어디서나 사용가능하다는 설명이 적절합니다. 이 부분에서도 이것이 어떤 '학습효율성'을 가져오는지 설명을 보완하면 좋을 것 같아요. (ex.시간과 장소에 구애받지 않고 공부해서 능동적으로 자신에게 맞는 시간에 공부할 수 있어 좋다) For example, I could study about all of my final reports in my dormitory room for the last spring semester. When I was a university student, I had lots of homework, and always short of time. However, due to the advance advantage of the Internet, I could efficiently study many reports on my dormitory room. I did not need to go to the school library, and could study even in the night time with the Internet. Thus, students can study effectively using the Internet. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다.
For these reasons, I agree that, with the help of the Internet, students can learn more effectively.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 idea들도 모두 적절합니다. 내용을 설명하는 과정에서 논리적 연결고리가 부족하거나 논지가 약한 부분들을 보완해주시면 충분히 더 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!