Many people go to the college or university with for two reasons. Either they are forced to go to college by their parents or they want to accomplish their dream in the college.
To begin with, there was an instance during my senior year in high school in 2013. (문단의 시작에 예시로 시작하기 보다는 주장을 뒷받침하는 이유를 말하고 설명을 하는 게 좋습니다.) My friend, Dennis, who was familiar with his computer science, did not want to go to college. He was willing to go to company right after graduation away because this was his excellent chance to get into one of the biggest company without spending time in the college. (고등학교 졸업 후 회사에 들어갈 수 있는 chance가 있었다는 의미가 되는데, 앞의 내용에는 그런 chance가 있었기 때문에 대학을 안가려는 것이 아니라 단순히 회사를 바로 취직하고 싶어서 대학을 안가고 싶었다는 뉘앙스의 글만 있습니다.) However, his parents did not want him to miss his education for the future. Even though he mentioned that his life is not depending does not depend on his college life, his parents forced him to go to college and get the graduation certification in order to look like an educated person. As a result, Dennis gave up on his dream job and went to college. Not only people attend college because of their parents, but also they go to college to achieve their dream. (문단의 내용은 부모님에 의해 force되어서 대학을 가게 된다는 내용입니다. 따라서 dream에 대한 이야기는 다음문단부터 시작하는 게 좋을 것 같아요.)
people attend college to develop their skills and step forward to achieve their dream. The education level in college is higher than that of high school level. Some people usually get excited to expend their knowledge in their field. For example, there was my childhood friend named John. He was one of the smartest people who have gifted brain from God. He mastered high school mathematical level in mathematics when he was six years old and received over 2200 on SAT scores. In addition, he was tirelessly looking for the higher education. When he turned into age eight, he entered Harvard University and majored in three different subjects: such as math, science and philosophy. As a result, he graduated the college within two years and he is still has been studying other subjects in Harvard University library. (앞의 내용과 as a result 이후의 내용은 원인과 결과의 관계가 아닙니다. 앞의 내용은 3개과목에서 mojor을 했다는 내용이기 때문에, 일반적으로 뒤의 일찍 졸업한 내용과는 반대되는 내용입니다. 연결어를 바꿔주세요.)
In conclusion, both my friends Dennis and John entered the college with different reasons. (conclusion 문단의 처음에는 의견을 다시한번 써 주는 게 좋습니다.) Dennis went to college because he was forced to go there and other friend John was willing to go to college to increase his knowledge. Due to the fact, those two reasons are the reason why people are attending college. (the fact가 지징할 수 있는 것이 없습니다. 위의 내용은 주장이기 때문에, 위의 예시에 따르면, 앞서 말한 것을 보면, 이런식으로 써 주셔야 합니다.)
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair (17-23)
문장과 문장을 이어나갈 때 앞뒤의 상관관계에 주의해서 연결어(transition words)를 선택해주세요. 그리고 문장의 시작에서 대문자를 꼭 써주셔야 합니다. 문법적으로 수정해야 할 부분들이 조금 있지만, 전반적인 내용의 흐름은 좋습니다. 각 문단별로 마무리를 짓는 문장들을 더한다면 좋을 것 같아요.
수고하셨습니다.