Some people argue that the most important factor in order to enhance the overall situation of a country is supporting schools. (It is very important to support schools in order to ~ 라고 쓰는 게 의미전달이 clear합니다) However, as far as I am concerned, I strongly agree with the statement that it is a large corporation that eventually brings massive success to a society. This is because large corporations can make numerous profits. Another reason for my opinion is that even large corporations have more significant impact on a country than schools. (topic의 문제가 success to a society 이기 때문에 이 자체로 impact가 크다는 이야기가 됩니다. 이유는 조금 더 detail하게 쓰는 게 좋을 것 같아요.) In this essay, I will briefly present two main reasons to support my idea.
To begin with, it is safe to say that large corporations make much more money so as to upgrade the quality of a country than schools. (so as to는 ~를 위하여 라는 뜻을 가지고 있습니다. 회사가 나라의 quality를 위해서 돈을 많이 번다고 말하기는 조금 애매한 것 같습니다. 돈을 많이 벌어서 나라도 upgrade 되는 효과가 나는 것이라고 하는 게 좋을 것 같아요.) To be more specific, when large corporations settle in a city, there are a large number of people who consume not only products of large corporations but also services on the city. (문장이 너무 장황합니다. 만약 큰 회사가 들어온다면, 그 도시의 경제가 산다거나 job이 많아진다거나 등의 내용으로 간단하게 쓰는 게 좋을 것 같아요.) To exemplify what I mean, there was a significant change in the city of San Francisco thanks due to the settlement of large corporations which was named in Silicon Valley. Were it not for those companies, it the city would have not been possible to grow that big and increase the its quality of the city.
On top of that, although it is important to improve schools, assisting large corporations is far more effective to develop a country’s economy. What I mean is that, in global world, export is one of the most essential incomes for most countries to improve. For instance, Korea has been changed could change from developing country to developed country. because of numerous exports which have been operated by large corporations not by schools. If Korea has had tried just to improve just schools, it would not be able to achieve this development.
In conclusion, I firmly maintain that supporting schools in not as important as improving large corporations on account of the reasons that I mentioned above; large corporations collect more money than schools and have greater impact on a country’s economic development
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair (17-23)
주장에 대한 이유를 좀 더 clear하게 쓰는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 첫번째 이유에서 나라의 질을 향상시킨다고 했는데, 그 이유에 대한 정확한 support가 안되는 것 같아요. 예를 들어, 큰 회사가 들어오면 직업이 많이 생기기 때문에 사람들이 좀 더 만족하고 살게되고, 그로인해 도시전체적인 분위기/질이 변한다던지 등의 detail한 이유를 정해서 쓰는 게 좋을 것 같습니다.