Some people think that human needs for farmland, housing, and industry are more important than saving land for endangered animals. Do you agree or disagree with this point of view? Why or why not?
Some people might argue that developments such as farmland, housing, and industry should be increased. However, contrary to this idea, I strongly believe that saving land for endangered animals is more important. The fundamental reason behind this is that saving environment improve can improve the economic situation economy and physical and psychological health general health for people.
First of all, saving land promotes can help the economy of the town (사소한 부분이지만, 갑자기 town 이라는 단어가 나오는게 뜬금없이 느껴지네요. 항상 모든 문장이 논제와 어긋나지 않도록, 논제의 조건과 일치하도록 주의해주세요.) grow considerably. This is mainyl clean environment has a important role in attracting a number of people who are able to feel fresh air, see peaceful landscope, and play with numerous animals. Thus, local business ranging from resturants to coffee shops can have more customers, which bring more profits. From my experience, the town I lived in suffered from economic recession. However, after saving the land for aminals, a number of visitors came to my town in order to enjoy various animals and clean environment. Thus, this change revitalized the ecomonic sutiation of the town. idea자체는 reasonable합니다. 하지만 논제에 대한 직접적인 답변이 되기는 어렵다고 봅니다. 논제에 따르면 작성자님은 왜 specifically
Moreover, maintaining land clear for animals help people to improve their health. 좋은 thesis statement 입니다. An important reason is that peaceful environments prevents prevent people with frojm numerous illness varying from skin diseases to lung cancer. The primary cause was that this environments provide local residents with a fresh air, clean water, and comfortable atmosphere, which activate an effective cure. 논제와 연관성이 점점 떨어져가는 전개인 것 같아요. 위에 말씀드린 것처럼 여기서도 역시 과연 내 답변이 논제에 대한 직접적인 답변이 되고 있는지에 대한 고민이 필요한 것 같습니다. For example, when I was a kid, I used to stay in my grandmother`s house in countryside where land had been damaged by humand actibities. While staying in the countryside, I was relieved from my atopic dermatitis and allergy.
In conclusion, without any doubt, saving land for various creatures is helpful for people. This is because it revitalizes the economic recession and maintain their health.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited (11-15)
우선, 작성자님의 idea들이 논제가 요구하는 바를 충실히 하고있는지에 대한 고민이 필요한 것 같아요. 그러기 위해선 우선 논제를 정확히 파악하시고, 왜 이 논제에서 specifically