The extended family is less important now than in the past.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요.
Thanks to industrialization, the number of extended family decreases.decreased/is decreasing. Because we rarely find extended family, we are inclined to overlook the importance of big family. However, in my opinion, big family are still important today because grand parents grandparents help to raise children and children in extended family learn good etiquette.
To begin with, grandparents give big help to parents who rear children. As time goes by, women have many opportunity to get their jobs and so as mothers. Because mothers go to work, many children leave alone in home or are left in kindergarten. However, in big family, grandparents can take role of parents not sending their children to preschool. From my experiences, when I was young, my father and mother work at the same time. So I was raised by grandparents. If grandparents have not raised up me, I would be left in home with my little sister, eating junk food and playing with computer or watching television. 조부모님들이 아이의 양육에 큰 도움을 준다.> 라는 idea자체는 reasonable하다고 생각합니다. 하지만 이것이 논제와 어떻게 연결될 수 있는지 조금 더 고민해주셨으면 좋겠어요. 구체적으로 말하자면, 양육을 도울 수 있다는 것이 어떻게 extended family의 importance와 연결될 수 있는지 고민해주시고, 보완하여 주세요.
On top of that, children can learn diverse etiquette in extended family. Big family include many relatives. Through relation with other relatives, children get etiquette. Especially, as children are taken care by grandparents, children can learn manners toward old people or etiquette in various situations. From my experiences, when I was freshman in university, I went to formal event with old professors. Other people found it hard to interact with old people. However, I had comfortable time with professors because I had talked with my grandparents many times. idea자체는 좋습니다. 하지만 하나의 본론을 구성하기엔 조금 too trivial한 감이 있지 않나..라고 생각이 드는 것 같아요. 하지만 이것을 더 논리적으로 자세히 설명해주시고 특히 이것이 왜 important한지에 대한 설명해주시면 훨씬 설득력있는 글이 될 것 같습니다.
To sum up, extended family help to rear young children and help to teach children etiquette. In this regard, extended family are still important.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
LImited-Fair (12-17)
전반적으로 idea도 reasonable 하고, 그것들을 차근차근 잘 설명해주시고 있는 것 같아요. 하지만, 이런 idea들이 논제에 대한 '확실한' 근거가 되기엔 조금 부족한 감이 있는 것 같아요. 이것들을 좀 더 논리적으로 논제와 직접적으로 연결시켜주신다면 훨씬 설득력있는 글이 될 것 같습니다. 또한, 본론을 구성하실 때 본론의 idea와 관련된 사례를 제시해주시는 것 잊지말아주세요. 수고하셨습니다.^^