▶ Your Answer :
Games have positive effect not only on children but also on adults. Sometimes violent computer games make people aggressive and commit some illegal affairs. acts. However, games are not a petty or frivolous thing even to adults. 앞의 반론을 뒤집기 위해서는 하찮고 시시하지 않다.. 라고 말하기 보다 좋은점을 강력하게 주장해 주어야 합니다. 그리고 앞으로 전개할 내용을 도입해 주면 좀더 나은 서론이 되겠지요.
예를 들어 써 보자면,
However, in that games have people relieve stress and get along with others, as well as give them a sense of achievement, the advantages of games overwhelm its adverse effects. 이정도 되겠네요.
First, adults can get along with others and relieve stress as children do so. When using the word, ‘game,’ we use ‘play’ as a verb. ‘Playing’ is the human natural behavior and all of us naturally learn how to play by ourselves. ->이 부분은 전개상 필요 없는 부분인 것 같습니다. By playing games, people form social relationship with friends, teachers,(약간 쌩뚱..맞아요.. 이웃이 나을것 같아요..)neighbors and their families. -> 고치기는 했지만 ..주장의 중복입니다. 이 문장도 없는게 나을 것 같아요..아니면 주장하는 문장을 대신해서 이 문장을 쓰는 것도 괜찮을 것 같습니다. It is not merely example for children.-> We can easily think playing games would be an immature way to make good relationships.
Especially, when adults get stressed out from their working places or relationships with others, they can relieve stress by playing games such as basketball or baseball games. 이 문장도 합쳐서 반론을 적을게요.
However, there is no better way to make friends easily than gaming with others, since when we do something together to concentrate on, we are likely to forget the fact that each others have not been so close. Besides, by doing team plays like in basketball or baseball games, we can even feel fellowship. Not to mention, when winning together, we can relieve our stress.
이게 일반화 문장..으로..
In my case, I usually play computer games with my friends when I get stressed out from study. It makes me forget some bad things temporarily bad feelings and affairs and , as well as gives a chance to get along with my friends.
마무리 문장으로..
이러한 점에서 게임은 중요한 도구이다. 스트레스를 줄이는데, 인간관계를 향상시키는데
In this sense, game is an important tool for decreasing stress and improving relationships.
구조상 첨삭을 하게되면 자연히 내용수정을 자꾸 하게 됩니다. 제가 첨삭하느라 님이 쓰신 내용을 지우긴 하지만 지운만큼 못쓰신건 아니예요. 그냥 예라고 생각하세요.
나머지는 조금 있다가 쓸게요. ㅎ |