should children help their families with household chores ,or should they study and play?
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
How parents guide their children is crucial ccrucial in children's child development. A parent's instruction can influence a child for the rest of his life. Some people contend cintend that children should concentrate on studying and playing. However, for two reasons, I strongly believe that children should be assigned some household chores. Such chores shores both help children learn responsibility and aid them in developing understanding and respect toward others.
To begin with, children can develop a sense of responsibility by doing household chores. Having certain jobs that must be done on a regular basis, a child can be prepared for the future. 밑줄 친 내용을 좀 더 구체적으로 풀어서 설명해주세요. 적어도 3-4문장 정도로 주장(main idea)에 대한 설명을 연결해서 [단계적 구성]이 돋보이도록 하는 편이 논리 면에서 좋은 점수를 받기에 유리합니다. For instance, many studies have proven that children who have been trained to do household chores have displayed the stronger sense of responsibility at work when they grow up as adults. Commonly, children of China or Japan who are always under a lot of pressure due to entrance exams and who must only focus on studying are usually less irresponsible to their duty at work even though they reach adulthood because they are not trained to work since their childhood. This also results in a great feeling of accomplishment for children. It is obvious that doing household chores has a positive educational effect. 밑줄 친 내용들은 책임감이 아닌 성취감에 대한 내용이므로 '책임감'에 대해 논하고 있는 문단에서 불필요한 내용입니다. 오히려 문단 내용의 일관성을 해치기 때문에 감점요인이 될 수 있지요. 한 문단 안에는 하나의 중심내용만을 가지고 전개한다고 생각하시면 됩니다.
In addition, cooperating with other members of a family would let children feel family's harmony and unity. Through working household chores, children have a chance to compare comprend the difficulties that thathis parents experince in doing jobs such as sewing, making shoes as well as hosehold chores. For example, in many European countries like Germany, German, children not only do household chores but also work a part of a home industry with their parents as apprentices. Through this, they apprehend the faith and cirsumstance of their parents as well as can become professional artisans in the future. Due to a traditional training, there are a number of old family firms of fashion, shoes, watches and kichenwares that started as the homeindustry in Europe. This proves that working household chores at home is very important in understanding and cooperating with family members. 문단의 논점이 명확하지 않습니다. 부모의 노고에 대해 느끼고 일을 배우는 것과 가족간의 유대감은 아무런 관련이 없습니다. 문단의 주제문(첫문장)에서 소개한 것처럼 '가족간의 유대감'에 대한 내용이 일관되게 이어질 수 있도록 설명과 사례 내용을 다듬고 보완해주세요. 부모의 노고를 알게 되는 것보다는 함께 어떤 일을 하는 과정에서 공감대를 형성한다거나 친밀감이 형성된다는 식으로 내용을 전개하는 편이 더 자연스러울 것 같아요.
In conclusion, it is true that studying and playing are necessary for children. However, assigning household chores is also important. does not mean a child will have to invest a lot of time into doing the work. Rather , Having a simple job jobs at home will teach children responsibility and give them a sense of accomplishment. Moreover, children have an opportunity to realize the comprehension and cooperation between family members. For the abpve reasons, I assert that children should help their families with household chores.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–20)
내용 흐름의 coherence와 문단 내의 unity 부분을 중점적으로 보완해주세요. 주제문에서 제시한 내용과 크게 관련 없는 내용들이 이어지면 내용의 일관성이 떨어지고 설득력이 약해집니다. 오탈자와 문법 오류가 많은 편이니 꼼꼼하게 작문할 수 있도록 신경써주시고요. 기본적인 틀은 잘 잡혀 있으니 내용의 일관성에 초점을 두고 improve하셔서 다시 써 보시는 것도 좋을 것 같습니다^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!