Young people enjoy life more than older people.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people say that young people less enjoy life than older people does, because older people are usually wiser than young people. However, I beg to disagree with this opinion, because I think young people are more capable of doing any physical activities, and because they are more open to new things.
To start with, young people are more capable of engaging in social activities or doing physical activities, because they are more robust than older people in physically. They can enjoy almost all activities that older people can not enjoy, having more chance to have fun. 적절한 내용의 idea와 설명입니다. 이 부분에서 다양한활동/신체적조건/즐기기, 세 가지의 키워드가 유기적으로 연결될 수 있도록 연결고리를 보완하는 것도 좋겠습니다. 신체적으로 건강하기 때문에 다양한 활동들을 할 수 있다는 내용은 잘 제시되어 있으니 이러한 활동들을 통해서 즐거움을 느끼며 인생을 즐길 수 있다, 하는 부분도 보완해주면 단계적 구성을 더 돋보이게 할 수 있겠지요. For example, my father is too old to enjoy physically demanding activities like hiking mountains or running marathons like he used to enjoy. His joints and muscles ache everytime when he does engage any physically demanding activities. He can't even enjoy drinking like he used to. On the other hand, I can do whatever I want. I can stay out all night pull an all-nighter with my friends in bars without suffering from hangover from last night, and play sports that are physically demanding, such as swimming. 적절한 내용의 예시입니다. 이러한 사례가 주장과 관련해서 어떤 점을 보여주는지 해석하는 문장을 덧붙여서 문단 마무리지어주세요.
In addition, young people have tendency to being open to new things and circumstances. Furthermore, there are many 'first experiences' for young people. Therefore, they have more chance to discover new things. 결과적으로 young people이 enjoy better할 수 있는 이유는 새로운 것들을 발견하고 더 신선하게 느낄 수 있기 때문입니다. 더 개방적이기 때문에->새로운 것을 잘 받아들이고 즐거워한다, 하는 부분이 모두 main idea이므로 이 부분을 살려서 주제문을 만들어주는 것이 두괄식 문형에 더 적합할 것 같아요. Experiencing that one has never experienced before is extremely exciting. For example, my first experience with driving a car, literally blew blow my mind. I was so fascinated with the idea of me driving a car, and the mechanisms of car was intellectually enticing. This experience is one that I can never forget. I got so engrossed with that experience, I even joined a car club that car lovers interact with each other. Old people are hard to have this kind of experience, because there are no 'first experiences' left for them. They have already gone through almost anything, living a dull and tiresome lives. 주장을 뒷받침하기에 좋은 예시와 설명입니다.
In summary, I do know that old people have has their own way to enjoy their lives. However, as I stated above, there are lots of reasons that young people have more chance to enjoy their lives.
전반적으로 주장을 뒷받침하기 위한 각 본론의 idea들이 적절하고 설명도 잘 풀려 있기 때문에 good level대의 점수는 무난하게 받을 수 있을 것 같아요. 코멘트한 부분들을 참고하셔서 더 improve해주세요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–30)
Fair (17–23)
Limited (1–16)