Businesses should hire employees for their entire lives.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people insist that companies entreprenuer should employ their employee for their entire lives. However, in my opinion, I disagree with the statement for two reasons. This is because it will be detriment for a company and also worsen the young's unemployment.
To begin with, if companies company decide that to guarantee their employees's job employee for a whole full life, it would be a vast amount of negative effect on their company. 두괄식 문형에 맞도록 문단의 첫 문장에 중심내용을 소개할 수 있도록 정리해주세요. 회사에 안 좋은 영향을 끼친다는 피상적인 표현은 설득력이 떨어집니다. '업무효율을 떨어뜨린다'는 내용이더 핵심내용에 가깝지요. 생산성(productivity)와 같은 표현을 사용해서 정리하는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. 설명 내용에서도 사람들이 평생직장을 보장받으면 왜 열심히 하지 않는지를 더 구체적으로 보완해주세요. Since employees employee are ensured their entire lives for working in their company, they will not work hard and become delinquency. Then it will makes efficency of work lower and hinder company from earning profit. A recent study of job markets did the experiment with two groups in order to compare the employee's attitude to work. One group consisted consists of one hundreds of people who ensured their work period during their entire life. Another group consisted consists of one hundreds of people who did were not ensured their work period then they had to must work competently for not being fired. As I mentioned before, People in the first group who ensured their full-period working for entile lives, they tend to were lazy at work and did not any effort for boosting their productivity. body1한문단으로합쳐주세요 In contrast, in the other group, workers tend to had more productivity product for their company and worked work better because they did not want to be fired from the company so they worked competitively. competitive. This result shows that ensuring entire lives at work working for employee is harmful for a company.
Also, it worsens worsen young people's unemployment problem. Due to this employment system, it is hard for the young and other competent people after graduating gratuated to get their job. If companies company change the employing employ system and then hire employees employee considering their ability, they would employ more competent and smart employees. employee. It will solve unemployment problem and also it is better for companies company because talanted new employees they will earn more profit and raise productivity. 문단의 중심내용이 명확하지 않습니다. 청년실업문제와 관련한 main idea를 제시했으니 그에 해당하는 내용만으로 문단을 구성해주어야 일관성이 유지될 수 있습니다. 또한 회사에 이득이 된다는 설명은 '능력있는 사람을 고용해야 회사에 도움이 된다'라는 내용일 뿐 직원들의 평생직장을 보장하는 것과는 관련이 없기 때문에 논점을 흐릴 수 있습니다. A recent job market marketing research team proved this point. One company changed their employment system from entire life to employ new people based on worker's performance. Then they found that after changing changed their hire-system then hired young and competent workers based on their ability can understand work positions and circumstances better and propel the company. their work than delinquent employee who hired before changed the system.마찬가지로 문단의 흐름이 실업문제에서 회사의 이익으로 바뀌었기 때문에 논점이 맞지 않습니다. '능력에 따른 인재 채용'이 아니라 '평생 고용'에 초점을 두고 내용을 구성해주세요.
To sum up, I think that hiring employees employee for their entire lives is harmful for a company and young competent job-seekers. This is not only prohibits a company from earning benefit also hinders competent young people from having their job. For these two reasons, I disagree with the statement.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–22)
문법 오류가 많아 내용의 전달력이 떨어집니다. 특히 수일치나 품사활용 부분에서 문법 오류가 많은 편이니 문법에 맞는 작문 연습을 꾸준히 병행해주세요.
문단 내의 일관성이 떨어집니다. main idea를 명확하게 정리해서 첫 문장에 제시하고, 그 idea에 계속 초점을 두고 내용을 전개해주세요. 관련은 있지만 방향이 다른 내용들이 제시되면 논점이 흐려지기 쉽습니다. 내 주장을 설명하는 데 있어 '꼭 필요한' detail들로만 문단을 구성하는 것이 중요합니다. 코멘트와 함께 검토해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!