Working at home using computers or telephones is better than working in the office
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
The development of technology has coined a new term: telecommuting. Telecommuting refers to working work undertaken at a location that reduces commuting time. These locations can be inside the home or at some other remote place from the workplace, which is facilitated through a broadband connection, computer or phone lines. Some people argue that working in the office is better since workers can solely concentrate on their work duties rather than distracted from private matters. However, I strongly believe working at home is more beneficial. This is because it allows workers to use their time efficiently and it is helpful for companies.
First of all, by telecommuting, workers can manage their schedule effectively. Every morning, cars and buses are bumper to bumper on the road carrying employees to their workplaces. When it comes to traffic congestion, workers need to waste their precious time on the road. Especially, workers who do not have their own cars have to wake up early in the morning in order to wear formal clothes and to catch buses or subways on time. On the other hand, telecommuting offers the opportunity to make use of morning in more meaningful ways such as reading newspapers or playing sports for a short period of time. Additionally, office hours for all employees are strictly determined in company. While watching face of other co-workers and bosses, individuals find it difficult to use their time freely. To contrast, when telecommuting, workers can spend their time more systematically. To be specific, whenever they feel tired, workers can fall a sleep in their bedroom and then start working again. Managing tiredness is essential to enhance productivity and creativity. 재택근무를 하면 시간을 효율적으로 사용할 수 있다는 내용과 설명이 적절하게 잘 풀려 있습니다. 주장에 대한 예증으로 간단하게 출근 상황을 보여주거나 일할 때 피곤한 상황을 가정해서 제시해주셨는데, 채점기준에서 구체적인 설명을 중시하므로 신빙성을 높일 수 있도록 직접 겪은 경험담이나 신문의 보도자료, 연구결과 등의 형태로 가공해서 사례를 구체적으로 제시해주는 것도 좋겠습니다.
Moreover, telecommuting is useful for companies. This is because telecommuting reduces initial expenditure such as renting a new office room or interior expenses. Consequently, companies can secure extra funds, which facilitates facilitate investment investments. Also, telecommuting adopts the performance-based pay system, which helps managing human resources. In order to receive more money, all telecommuters can strive to earn more profits. Traditional businesses repects seniority so that workers who have worked for a long time in a company receive more grants than those new employees. Such seniority system can discourage diligent new recruits, resulting in the decline of efficiency. Additionally, it is easier for a company to hire more competent workers who live in foreign countries. These competitive workers can contribute to the development of the company. 회사에 도움이 된다는 main idea를 중심으로 재정적, 성과적차원 등에서 여러 요소들을 잘 설명한 부분입니다. 다만 채점 항목에 '적절한 예증 제시' 부분이 있으므로 general한 설명 부분을 조금 축소하는 대신 관련된 예증자료를 제시하는 방향으로 문단 작성 시간을 배분하는 편이 좋을 것 같아요. 예를 들어 회사의 '재정적 측면'에서 도움이 된다, 하는 정도로만 제시하고 밑줄 친 traditional system과의 비교 부분을 제거하는 대신에 'telecommuting이 회사에 재정적으로 도움을 준다'하는 부분을 보여주는 관련 예증 자료를 가공해서 제시해줄 수 있지요.
To sum up, working at home is more effective than working in the office on account of the reasons that I mentioned above: not only does it aid aids workers to use their time in an efficient way, it is also beneficial for companies. Thus, companies should consider adopting telecommuting.
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
여섯가지 항목의 채점 기준에서 살펴본다면 논제 파악이나 입장을 뒷받침하기 위한 idea들과 설명이 잘 제시되어 있습니다. 전반적으로 fair-good level 사이 점수대는 무난하게 받으실 수 있을 거예요. 다만 적절한 예증-구체적 설명 부분을 잘 보여주어서 항목별 점수를 더 획득할 수 있도록 신경써주신다면 좋을 것 같아요. 코멘트한 부분들을 improve한다면 충분히 good level 상위 점수도 가능할테니 적절하게 develop해서 글을 다듬어주세요^^ 결론 부분도 적당합니다. 최대한 문법오류가 발생하지 않도록 수 표현, 태, 품사활용 등에 유의하셔서 마지막에 글을 전체적으로 검토할 수 있는 시간 여유 남길 수 있도록 시간조절해주세요. 다양한 주제로 연습하시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!
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