Eating homemade food is better than eating out at restaurants or food stands.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
When it comes to eating out, some people argue that it is ideal to eat homemade food rather than eating out at restaurants or food stands. However, I definitely believe that eating out at restaurants or food stands is much better than making the food at home. This is not only because people have a great opportunity to save time, but also this helps them to refresh themselves in a busy and stressful environment.
First of all, it is a good idea to eat out at restaurants or food stands because this is absolutely time-saving for those who are in a bustling life today. In other words, by eating out at restaurants or food stands, people don't have to waste their precious time and thus, are able to just concentrate better on their important tasks. 좀 더 주장에 대한 설명을 구체화해주세요. 집에서 요리하는 대신 밖에서 사먹으면 시간을 절약할 수 있는 이유는 '요리하는 시간이 줄어서' 가 되겠지요. 집에서 요리하거나 따로 요리할 재료를 구매하는 데 드는 시간 할애 없이 간편하게 사 먹으면 되기 때문에 시간이 절약된다, 하는 식으로 주제와 관련된 키워드를 녹여서 내용을 구체화하는 편이 좋습니다. To illustrate this point, for example, when I was a university student majoring in electrical engineering, I had a lot of things to do at that time including the preview and review of my major courses, study for the exam study, a variety of assignments and my part-time jobs. Initially, I tried to eat at home making my own meals. As the time pressure oppressed me more and more, I almost couldn't help eating out at restaurants or food stands. Consequently, I was able to focus on more imperative works efficiently without wasting any time and successfully achieve the goals of the respective areas in my life such as getting a scholarship in school and earing an incentive in my workplace at the expense of my hard work. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다.
Secondly, eating out is strongly beneficial for many people since this gives people a great chance to recharge energy and reduce stress. This is due to the fact that people are better able to try some new dishes at restaurants or food stands which they usually don't make at home. This certainly leads to refreshing themselves and relieving stress for a vast majority of people in busy and exhausting surroundings. 적절한 idea와 설명입니다. 이 부분에서도 단순히 '새로운 음식'만 제시되어 있으니 사례내용이 제시한 것처럼 refresh해주는 분위기, 전문가가 만든 음식의 퀄리티, 다양한 선택권 등 여러 요인을 보완해주면 좋을 것 같아요. For instance, my family often go to our favorite restaurant in order to eat the high quality of meals and refresh ourselves. Especially, since when I got much stressed out from a heavy load of schoolwork right after my exam period in school, I needed time to recharge energy and brighten my mood. At that time, I and my family went to that restaurant and tried the new special food which was immediately launched. And by eating the delicious food and spending time with my family at the luxurious restaurant, I was able to completely relieve stress and refresh myself with the great satisfaction. Likewise, people can recharge energy and alleviate stress when they eat out.
To summarize, it is better for people to eat out at restaurants or food stands because they are more likely to stint on time as well as to relieve stress, refreshing refresh themselves through eating out.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–30)
전반적인 내용 흐름이나 구성이 모두 적절합니다. 논리적인 설명 부분에서 필요한 detail들을 더 보완해주시고 어색한 표현을 다듬는 정도로만 체크해보시면 될 것 같아요. 실전에서 글을 모두 작성한 뒤에 검토할 수 있는 시간 여유를 남길 수 있게끔 조절하면서 다양한 주제로 연습해주세요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!