When cigarette appeared at first, it used to treat patient who have indigestion and constipation also for relaxation. Moreover cigarette was composed only tobacco leaves. But nowadays, cigarette is made up of chemical substances such as benzene and naphthalene, etc. including tobacco leaf. As the result of adding chemical substances, cigarette can’t use for treatment. ( broad하게 시작한 intro 아주 좋습니다 ! 하지만 앞부분, 이부분 다소 지루하게 보일 수 있습니다. 문장을 좀 더 정리 해 보세요 ) Now cigarette cause many diseases likely cancer, heart attack and bursting of the blood vessel in brain. Therefore, I strongly agree to increase the cost of tobacco for improving health of nation. And this insistence has two reasons. One is increasing the price of cigarette helps smoker to quit smoking because they can’t bear that cost. //////The other is government can collect more taxes because the tobacco cost was comprised of taxes almost 60% of selling price.
To begin with, increasing the cost of cigarette influences to stop because smokers can’t pay the price and high price of cigarette will regard smoking as lavish behavior. In my experience, I can’t smoke when living in London. That reason is English tobacco is very expensive to me. The cost of English tobacco is approximately 8 dollar each pack. In addition, I saw most English people don’t smoke. The policy of rising the price of cigarette that descends smoking group and basically prevents buying cigarette basically. For these reasons, raising the cigarette cost is the best way to make smokers to quit smoking
At last, ascending the price of tobacco earns more money through the taxes of tobacco because that cost consists of taxes. Accordingly, budget of government will appreciate from collecting tax for tobacco. Consequentially, government will invest many funds for advancing national development projects. For instance, the budgets can be used to improve welfare benefits like running the campaigns that support for stop smoking and extending medical benefit. Then, these investments help people to be healthy. To sum up, increasing the price of cigarette makes healthier nation than before.
In one word, raising the cigarette cost affects many positive results that descend smoking rates in the nation, prevent addictions and diseases with cigarette. Also, it is improving welfare benefits through collecting taxes from the price of cigarette. Thus, I assent to raise the value of cigarette for advancing national health. ( good ! very simple conclusion , body의 소주제를 잘 정리 하셨습니다 ) |
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–28)
- intro 와 conclusion좋습니다.
- body구성도 좋습니다 !
- 좀 더 다양한 문장 형태 를 만드는 연습 하시면 더 완성된 에세이가 될 것 같아요 !