While there are many arguments to be made for this statement, I strongly disagree with the statement that it is impossible to completely be honest with friends. Because the friendship should be based on the trust and sincerity. I will further elaborate my thoughts on this issue based on my observation and sociological perspective( 이식으로 body가 전개되어야 합니다 ) very good introduction! i love it !
First of all, it is generally acknowledged that people can rely on each other when they are honest. I have noticed this on many occasions, but the most notable example can be when my best friend told me her secrets and troubles. While my friend honestly told her personal secrets, I feel that she really likes and trust me. Also I can tell my secrets to her as well. Indeed, it is hard to ignore the fact that honesty can often hurt someone’s feeling. Even though this point of view seems convincing to a certain extent, it is evident to me that we can strengthen our relationship when we are honest each other. ( 예시가 좀 더 strong 했음 좋겠습니다. too obvious examples...)
Moreover, it is also commonly believed that by being honest, we can build strong relationship. I would like to further approach this topic from sociological aspect and support my point of view by providing evidence from a study. ( 이렇게 제시한것에 비해.. example들이 너무 약합니다. )According to the study, more than 86 percent of workers surveyed replied that they feel much closer to friends who are honest. Also more than 76 percent of workers reported that they became a best friend after they talk about their secrets each other. Based on this study, I have reached to the conclusion that it is important to completely be honest with friends. ( 첫번째 예시보단 좋습니다만. 좀 더 구체적이고 .. 좀 더 focus된.. 예시를 써주세요. )
All things considered, everyone may hold a different position on this issue; however, I put an emphasis on the fact that it is possible to completely be honest with friends. As stated above, it is not only because people can rely on each other but also feel much closer to friends who are honest. ( good ) |
이 에세이는 body 가 약하고 intro 와 conclusion이 너무 좋네요
- body에서 example 들을 어떻게 구체화 시킬건지 좀 더 긴밀한 연결 고리와 예시들을 적절히 사용해 주세요
- 한문장 씩 연결 시켜서 writing 하는 연습 해주세요
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점) 논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task 적절한 설명 appropriate explanation 적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details 일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence 다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety 적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity Writing 0–30 score scale Good (24–30)
|