Topic : Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People today pay too much attention to the personal lives of celebrities. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
Nowadays, it is said that people are too much interested in the personal lives of celebrities. Many of celebrities get stressed about it, and some of them even escape from mass. It seems to me, however, that it is not that excessive attention. It is the celebrities themselves that show their privacies ->privacy to people, and since they are very influential they should be careful. (질문에 disagree를 한 이유가 될 수는 없을 것 같아요. show their privacy 가 왜 mandatory 한지에대해 설명하는게 올바른 전개일 것 같아요.)
First, celebrities are highly related to cultural contents. They show songs, movies, dramas, clothes, make-up styles, etc. to people. These contents are being more and more depending on personal lives of the celebrities, since they use Social Network Services for promotion these days. They show those contents resolved into their personal lives; for example, they upload pictures of themselves wearing a new sweater, and even directly ask their fans to visit their friend’s new store. In my case, I am also connected with a member of a famous band through Twitter. I feel friendlier with him reading many about his privacies ->privacy or personal twitters , and sometimes am promoted by his direct or indirect advertisements.
Moreover, as celebrities are literally ‘famous people’, they have great effects on mass. Especially, young people tend to be more vulnerable to behaviors of them ->their behaviors. Many youths adore their favorite singers or actors, and often get absorbed easily. Even though their favorite idols are immoral, some of young fans blindly pursue them and even mimic them. Many of celebrities complain that people blame them too much about only a small fault, even that mistake is from their private lives. However, what if those fanatic youths imitate that fault? For instance, a few years ago, a girl of a Korean singer group was bullied by the other group members and finally quit the group. And soon, elementary school students began to do just the same thing, and the bullying even got a nickname which is same as the name of (is named after 는 어떨까요?) that singer group.
To summarize, while some celebrities get nervous about being too much exposed to people, the mass is not that interested in lives of celebrities. People just see what they provide, which is often mixed with their routines. And when the released personal lives of celebrities show faults with bad effects, the mass – as consumers – tries to correct them.
-> 결론이 앞의 서론, 본론들과 연결이 안돼요. 앞의 내용들은 셀렙들은 사람들에게 사생활은 보여주는 것 자체이고 sns로 사람들과 많이 소통하며 문화를 구축해 대중들에게 직,간접적인 영향을 주며, 그들의 잘못된 행동은 그릇된 사회트렌드 ex) 왕따 ( 심지어 시작한 그 그룹의 이름을 딴) 를 만들어 냈다 라고 하다가 결말에서 대중은 셀렙들의 생활에 그렇게 관심이 없으며, 그들의 행동을 수정하려 한다는 전개는 자연스럽지 않아요. :(
ㄴ기본적인 구조와 각 본문 문단별 메인 포인트와 이를 지지하는 디테일의 구성은 좋아요.
하지만 글 내용이 카트라이더에서 급회전을 하다가 바나나껍질을 밟은 듯한 느낌이에요;;;;
아웃라인을 짜신 후 본격적으로 작성하기 전에 문제가 원하는 바와 잘 맞아 떨어지는지
한번 더 체크해보시는 것도 좋을 것 같아요 :)
도움이 되었으며 좋겠습니다.