Some prefer buying new technological devices; others having then when they are well-adopted and been out for a while.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
In today’s globalized society, some people prefer think having new technological devices devises immediately is better for their life. However, I would rather buying them when they are well-adopted and been out for a while. There are two reasons why I feel this way. First reason is that sometimes it is just a waste of money and another reason is that when people buy new technological devices devises earlier, that devise they might have an error unfound. unfounded.
First of all, I believe that it could be a waste of money. 문단이 새로 시작되는 부분이므로 it대명사를 사용하기보다 키워드를 그대로 풀어쓰는 것이 더 낫습니다. This is because Every advertisement advertising says that their product is state-of-the-art and suitable in technological society. "인과관계"를 나타내는 것이 아니라면 because로 연결하지 않는 것이 더 자연스러울 때가 많습니다. 광고가 모두 자기 제품을 칭찬하기 때문에 돈낭비다, 라는 인과관계 연결은 어색하지요. But not all products tell the truth. To be specific, some advertisements focus ad focuses on their strength only, not but disadvantages. According to the studies done by Korea Times, there is a survey for satisfaction of new technological robot vacuum. The 80% of earlier consumers consumer said that advertising is the advertisement was so attractive but when they purchased that product, it was not satisfying. satisfied. The study indicated that some products product need time to prove their good quality. Thus it is legitimate to tell that it buying new product right away might become a waste of money. 새로 나온 장비를 바로 사면 돈을 낭비하기 쉬운 이유를 설명해야 하는 문제에서 '광고만 믿고 사면 안 된다'라는 논지로 논점이 어긋나 있습니다. 광고라는 새로운 요소를 넣기보다 신제품을 '바로' 구입하는 것이 별로라고 생각하는 이유를 직접적으로 제시할 수 있어야 합니다. idea를 더 발전시켜서 논제에 대한 답변이 될 수 있도록 보완해주세요.
On top of that, earlier new products product can be is not stable unstable for to use. For example, some products have a lot of error, but they do not know the error before many people use them. This is because, of course, a producer has a test before launching them, but it is not enough to find every problem. 제작 과정에서 발견하지 못한 에러들이 언제나 있을 수 있다는 점을 지적한 것은 좋습니다. 표현을 다듬어서 '제작과정에서' 발견하지 못하는 오류들이 '많은 사람들에게 보급되어서 실제 사용되면 발견될 수 있다'는 점을 정리해서 제시하고, 때문에 '바로 사는 것보다 실제 활용단계에서 문제점이 발견되고 보완된 후 사는 것이 낫다'라는 나의 입장을 명확하게 해 주는 것이 좋습니다. Let's take my personal experience. I bought a waterproof camera to enjoy my vacation. It was the a first-time launched model that in the market. I was excited having a state-of-the-art camera. But after going back from vacation, I could not have any picture of mine. This was is due to the fact that the camera did not work actually into the sea. see. So I asked other people, they also had a difficulty using them. Through this experience, I realized that a new product might have a problem. So I have to check many example of using.
To sum up, it is my belief that it is better to have new devices when they are well-adapted. and been out for a while. As state it could be a waste of money and second earlier product is not stable to use, . Thus I prefer buying new product when after it proves its quality.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–22)
어색한 표현이나 문법 오류가 많으면 내용 전달력이 떨어집니다. 적절한 단어를 사용하고 있는지, 수일치, 태, 품사활용 등의 문법오류는 없는지 유의하면서 작문해주세요.
논점이 어긋나거나 주장이 명확하지 않은 부분들이 많습니다. 내가 답변해야 하는 부분은 '새로 나온 제품을 바로 사는 것이 안 좋은 이유'이므로 이 부분에 초점을 두고 논리가 이어져야 합니다. 문단의 unity와 coherence가 유지될 수 있도록 보완해주세요.
수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!