Do you agree or disagree with the following statemet?The government should invest more money in children 's education than in college students .
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Education is one of the most important factors in the development of a country. Therefore, the government plans very carefully where and how they will use their education budget. Some people contend that the government should spend more money on colleges. students . However ,I firmly believe the government should expend more money on children's education because children's education provides young students with the foundation for further education. Moreover, college students have many other sources of funding.
First of all, the rudimentary level of schooling is the basis for more profound educatonal development. Since school is the place where children build their own study habits and routines, it is important that the government concentrate more on their early years of childhood. For instance, a lot of government funds go toward children's education in Europe. With this money, schools improve teaching quality as well as various circumstances. Thus children are exposed to diverse sources of education and make their understanding grow up under the te guidance of well-qualified instuctors. Consequently, their levels of comprehension and creativity are higher than those of typical children at their age, which opens up opportunities for in-depth training in the future because their diverse environments provide them with more profound apprhension and stimulate imagination. idea와 설명 내용이 적절하게 잘 연결되어 있습니다. 사례 내용의 general explanation부분을 주장에 대한 설명 파트로 옮기고, 사례를 더 specific한 내용으로 다듬어도 좋을 것 같아요. 사례가 정말 있던 일처럼 신빙성 있게 제시되고 구체적인 이야기가 될수록 설득력이 높아질 수 있습니다.
Addiionally, a number of companies support colleges with funds for students. Since companies in the U.S.A need employees with superb educational backgrounds, they invest money in many areas, including research, scholarships, and facilities. For example, a university like MIT my cousin is attending offers various scholarships that students can apply for. This trend is pretty common in the U.S.A. Thus, my cousin who won one of the scholarships, is able to concetrate on his studies without having to worry about research funding. In that regard, college students have many opportunities to procure money from different sources other than the government. However, children have neither other supports nor resources without governmental funds especially if their parents are poor. 영어 에세이의 두괄식 문형에 맞게 문단을 다듬어주세요. 문단의 핵심 내용을 소개하는 main idea문장을 먼저 제시하고, 그에 대한 설명 내용-실제로 그렇다는 점을 보여주는 사례 내용 순서로 조직하는 편이 좋습니다. <많은 기업에서 대학 교육을 지원한다>라는 진술은 나의 입장을 support하는 main idea로 보기는 어렵지요. 대학 교육은 외부의 지원이 상대적으로 많지만, 아이들에게 가는 지원은 그 중요성에 비해 적다는 요지는 reasonable합니다.
It is true a fact that college education is important in that it is a launching pad for a career. Preparing students through in-depth study and research as well as providing them with great facilities are the ultimate goals of a college. Thus, many people suggest that the government should invet more money in college education. However, 반대편의 입장은 서론에서 이미 소개한 부분이므로 반복할 필요가 없습니다. 오히려 내용의 흐름을 방해하는 요인이 될 수 있지요. CONCLUSION문단은 간단하게 내가 글에서 언급한 내용 중 중요한 핵심 내용을 갈무리하고 주장을 한 번 더 강조하는 정도로만 구성해주시면 됩니다. preparing children, who develop study habits in their early years, for their further education is more crucial. Moreover, college students already get enough funds from many private companies. For these reasons, I agree with the statement that the government should invest money in children's education rather than in n college education. students.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–28)
전반적으로 필자의 입장을 뒷받침하기 위한 각 주장이나 설명들이 reasonable하게 잘 제시된 글입니다. 두괄식 문형에 맞게 구성을 다듬는 부분이나 사례 내용과 detail설명 내용이 섞여들어가지 않도록 정리하는 부분들을 신경써서 improve해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 다양한 주제로 연습해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!