It is often said that working for a large congromerate conglomerate is better than working for a small company. However, I firmly believe that small companies have has at least two advantages that large ones do not possess. One is related to possibility to success and another is associated with the level of stress.
To begin with, a smaller company gives people the chance to be promoted quickly. This is attributed to the fact that the smaller company is, has the less number of competitive workers exist. With a great number of capable coworkers, people will have a difficulty in being paid attention by superiors. According to a study conducted by Seoul National University of Korea in 2009, there was a huge difference between two groups of employees in proportion with which they are promoted in company. Employees in a small company that had less than 50 employees got promoted two years earlier than those in a large company since they were recruited. The researchers showed that the major reason for this is that in a large company, there existed a huge amount of competition among numerous brilliant coworkers. Thus, an individuals could not easily get an opportunity to show his/her one's ability. This implies that smaller companies can help employees get promoted more quickly than they expect.
In addition, working for smaller companies enables people to live a healthy life. This is due to the fact that compared to a large company, a small one tends not to give stressful situation such as severe competition with coworkers and satisfying several superiors to go onto the upper position. These situations keep employees being exposed to the high level of stress. Moreover, stress is one of the main factors of diseases through by weakening the immune system of one’s body. According to a test conducted by University of California at Los Angeles of the United States in 2001, a test on mice showed that life span was shortened when they regularly underwent a series of electric shocks. Interestingly, the researchers found a link between this research and human beings who suffered from periodic stress. This experiment means that high stress levels coming from severe competition in a large company can cause employees' health condition to be damaged. Judged by this, working in a small company is better for people's health.
예시가 좋은 것 같지는 않아요. Electric shock이 사람들이 회사에서 competition하는 것과 같은 정도의 스트레스를 준다는 것을 밝혀주시는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 이러한 링크가 없으면 정확하게 예시와 주장이 연결되는 느낌이 안듭니다. 예시를 쓸 때에는 꼭 토픽과 잘 연관을 시켜서 작성 해 주시는 것이 좋아요.
In brief, given two choices to work of either working for a large company or small company, I would go had better work for a small company without hesitation. This is because, it can be better for employees' health and give more opportunities to success.
전반적으로 문법적으로나 내용적으로 크게 손댈 곳이 없는 에세이 같아요. 정말 잘 쓰셨습니다. 하지만 너무 passive 한 tone이 많이 들어가 있는 것 같아요. 토플 에세이 뿐만 아니라 Academic essay를 쓸 때에는 가능한 passive tone을 자제하고 능동적인 표현을 써 주시는 게 좋습니다. 전체적으로 수동적이게 쓰여진 부분을 다시한번 읽어보고 능동적으로 바꿔서 paraphrase 해 주시면 더 좋은 에세이가 될 것 같아요.