Some people agree with the statement that parents are the best teachers. because they think that parents love their children more than anyone else. However, I do not agree that parents are always the best teachers for their children. There are two reasons why I feel this way. One reason for my argument is that parents are too emotionally attached to their children. And the other reason is that they expect too much of their children.
First of all, parents cannot be the best teachers because their emotional involvement gets in the way off the effective education of their children. It is a teachers` objective feedback that can help students to learn better, by showing children them where how they need should make improvement. However, it is not easy for parents to offer honest assessment. because they are too emotionally attached to their children. For example, when their children failed to win the contest, although it is jufitable justifiable process, some parents repute(?) the results.
선생님의 의견이 더 objective 하다는 것에 중점이 되어 있는 것 같아요. 제 생각엔 부모님이 자신의 자녀를 감정적으로 바라보기 떄문에 objective한 교육을 못해준다는 것에 더 focus 하는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 예를 들면 왜 부모님의 교육은 objective하지 못한지에 대해 쓴다던가, 예시도 부모님이 자녀들을 너무 사랑해서 자녀의 잘못됨을 잘 알지 못한다거나 등에 대한 내용을 쓰는 게 더 좋을 것 같아요.
Another reason that parents thinks that their children can perform anything involved in. parents tend to overestimate their kids` ability. (문장이 무슨의미인지 모르겠어요. 첫번째 문장은 complete sentence도 아닙니다. 그리고 뒷 문장과 이어지는 transition 이 없어요.) It is sometimes a big burden to their children, which can cause harmful effect on during their growing period. and They (They보다는 parents 라고 쓰는 게 더 확실하고 좋을 것 같아요) also expect their children to make the same decisions that they would make. because they are certain that it is a good way to make children ideal person who they expected. However, this action can prevent children from thinking themselves in the future. (무슨 의미인지 모르겠습니다. Thinking themselves in the future 이라는 표현은 없어요. 어떤 말을 하려고 쓰신 건지 잘 모르겠네요.) Even they decide what they need to do, parents cannot encourage their decision that is not corresponding corresponded to what parents want. All of these things makes children depressed dispressed.
문단의 요지가 focus 되어있지 않고 좀 자유분방 해 지는 것 같아요. 부모님이 자녀에게 많은 기대를 함으로 자녀가 스트레스를 받고 좋은 교육효과를 낼 수가 없다라는 것에 중점을 두고 에세이를 작성하는 것이 좋을 것 같습니다.
To sum up, I strongly believe that parents cannot be the best teachers for their children. They are too emotionally involved in their children`s lives to view them objectively as a good teacher should. What is more, as parents only expect their children to be a person who they wanted
Conclusion 문단이 완성되어 있지를 않네요. 실제 시험을 보는데 시간이 모자라서 conclusion을 쓰지 못한다면 이전의 body를 좀 더 보완하고 conclusion을 안 쓰는 것도 하나의 방법입니다. 도중에 끊기는 것 보다는 보다 완벽한 body를 가지고 Conclusion이 없는 게 더 좋을 수 있어요.