when people move to new countries, they should follow the customs there.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
When it comes to traveling to new countries, some people argue that people don't have to pursue for the customs and cultures there. However, I definitely believe that it is ideal that people accept and follow their own tradition and customs in new places. *'their own'이라는 표현이 원래 자신의 문화를 고수한다는 뉘앙스로 해석될 수 있으니 유의해주세요. This is not only because they cannot go through the unnecessary and unexpected events there, but also because this will help people to adjust to the new environment easily.
First of all, people should endeavor for following their own cultures and customs in unfamiliar areas because this allows them to avoid meeting unanticipated and uncomfortable things. This is due to the fact that by being familiar with the new notions, people are better able to realize whether they have to do something or not. 현지의 문화를 따르고 받아들이면 불편한 상황을 피하기 쉽다는 기본적인 idea자체는 적절합니다. 현지의 문화를 따르고 받아들이면 왜 불편한 일을 피할 수 있는지를 좀 더 구체적으로 설명해주시면 좋을 것 같아요. To illustrate this point, when I was a university student majoring in history, I saved some money so that I could can take a trip to the outer world. During the summer vacation, I was able to go to the trip to Asia and South-East Asia. I was happy to enjoy the trip in Indonesia at the beginning of the trip. 주된 사례 내용은 다른 문화권에 가서 문화를 제대로 알지 못해서 겪었던 상황이므로 대학 때 돈을 모아서 여행을 떠났다는 부가적인 설명은 불필요합니다. However, I had to apologize to the waiter at the restaurant because I tried to put my tip on the table when I left. In fact, according to the tradition of Indonesia, this behavior is considered very rude and makes others take the feeling feel that they are poor. "you are the poor." If I had known and accepted the notion beforehand, I would have been able to elude this unpleasant incident. 다른 문화권에 가서도 나의 문화를 고집한 것이 아니라 '모르고' 했던 일이기 때문에 뉘앙스가 다르게 느껴질 수 있습니다. 현지 문화를 받아들임으로써 트러블을 피할 수 있었던 내용이나 현지 문화권에서도 내 문화를 고수해서 겪었던 어려움을 설명하는 내용으로 다듬어보시면 좋을 것 같아요.
Secondly, following the customs in new countries is absolutely imperative since people can adapt to the strange surroundings more comfortably and easily. This is evident when one ponders that if people don't accept the customs of the new country, they will not have the great opportunity to actively interact and communicate with the indigenous people and thus, this will end up bringing the consequence that they cannot get along well with other people and inevitably can suffer from living there. 필요 이상으로 문장이 길게 나열되어 있어 전달력이 떨어집니다. 내용 단위로 끊어서 간결하게 다듬어주는 것이 좋습니다. 현지 문화를 받아들이면 왜 사람들을 사귀기 쉬운지에 대한 설명도 더 보완되는 것이 좋겠습니다. For instance, my elder brother friend had hoped to immigrate to Japan for a long time and a few years ago, he and his family moved into Japan completely. Unfortunately, they had to return to the home country last summer because of the infliction generated by difficulties in adjusting of the adjustment there. Initially, he was satisfied with the Japanese lifestyle such as food, clothing and houses. However, his family did not accommodate the invisible Japanese culture such as bowing to the unknown elder people. Consequently, they had a lot of troubles with the neighborhood and decided to get back to their home country. This clearly shows that people are able to live well in the new countries and enjoy their life more comfortably only when they become friendly with the unfamiliar environment.
To summarize, because following the notions, not following cultures and customs in new countries prevents people from experiencing unexpected problems as well as failing to adjust to the new society, it is important to attempt to accept the new customs there when people travel traveling or move to unfamiliar places.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
기본적인 main idea들은 적절합니다. 이를 설명으로 풀어내는 과정에서 필요한 detail들을 더 보완해주시고, 사례 내용이 더 적절한 내용으로 연결되도록 보완해주시면 좋을 것 같아요. unity와 coherence에 초점을 두고 논리구성을 보완해주시면 실전에서도 충분히 더 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!