▶ Your Answer :
Being a leader requires devotion charisma, intelligence, and may other qualities. As it is not an easy task, unqualified people assuming leadership would bring terrible ramifications. For the most people, it is better to be the best follower than to be a leader for the following two reasons: being a leader requires responsibility and sacrifice. need to take a responsibility of the group and that act would take away personal time for the group works.
먼저, 어휘력이 정말 풍부하고 좋으세요~ 글의 도입 부분을 자연스럽게 잘 풀어 써주신 것 같아요. Thesis statement의 내용도 좋은데요, 다만, 근거를 나열해주실 때에는 최대한 깔끔하게, 명사 형태로 해주시는 것이 이해하기 편하답니다. 불필요하게 긴 문장 구조는 삼가해주세요~
Being a leader needs to take all of the responsibilities of the group that he would not have to if he were a follower. Especially, criticism for of unfavorable outcome is appointed to the leader pointed to a leader. I will take an example of my experiences related with undertaking bad result. ("For example"이나 "for instance"라는 표현을 사용하셔서 바로 예시를 설명해주시는 것이 효율적입니다) For example, when When one of my friends was a squad leader in army, one of the squad members committed suicide for his personal hardship. No and no internal factors of the group affected his decision. However, as my friend was a leader because my friend was the leader, he had to take all the blames and charges and all of the followers were not charged with that accident. This example clearly shows that being a follower can be free from responsibilities of actions.
먼저, 아이디어나 내용은 크게 문제가 없습니다. 제시해주신 예시도 적절하구요. 가장 중요한 것은 부연 설명과 주제와 예시를 엮는 논리적 연결입니다. "Follower"은 책임을 지지 않다고 된다 라는 주장은 너무 일반화/편파적인 의견 같구요, "leader"로써 책임을 다 떠맡는 것이 얼마나 힘든지에 대해 더 자세히 서술해주시면 좋을 것 같네요.
Not only receiving criticisms, but also Secondly, (Transition은 최대한 간결한 표현을 사요해주세요) lack of personal time is a problem for being a leader. A leader has his personal tasks just like other members, all given equal time to work. as other member have and all of them have equal time for work. However, the difference between a follower and a leader is that leader needs to undertake group work such as coordination and reporting. The general example for this would be a director of departments in universities. Normally, directors have to research and teach students just like other professors belong to the department because he is also a professor. However, the leader also needs to do extra administrative works for the group. As this extra work would take precious time way, it is better to be a follower to focus on one's own work.
앞의 introduction paragraph에서 "sacrifice"라는 표현으로 수정했었는데요, 조금 더 범위를 넓혀서, 시간과 노력의 희생에 대해 서술하시면 더 탄탄한 근거가 될 것 같습니다. 구체적으로 리더의 입장에서, 어떻게 불이익인지 부연 설명을 덧붙여 주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또, 중심 내용이 아닌, 크게 중요하지 않은 부분을 굳이 장황하게 설명해주시지 않아도 되니, 참고해주세요~
The leader leader's position is an honorable and admirable position that many people dream to be of. As there are always two sides to everything, the chief position can also be a disaster disastrous choice for unqualified people by for not having personal time and taking responsibilities (앞에서 설명해주신 순서대로 근거를 나열해주세요~). Therefore, I firmly believe that to be being a follower is a better choice.
Conclusion paragraph에 필요한 요소들을 다 잘 갖추고 있는 것 같네요~ 글의 전체적인 요약, thesis statement의 재강조 모두 좋습니다. 하나 사소한 것이지만, 근거를 나열하실 때에는 원래 설명해주셨던 순서로 해주시면 더 좋습니다~
좋은 글은:
Addressing topic, Task
Organization, Development, Explanations, Exemplifications
Unity, Profession, Coference
Consistency in language, Syntactic Variety, Vocabulary, Grammatical Accuracy
들을 다 갖춰야해요
토플 라이팅의 기본 구조와 형식을 잘 이해하고 계십니다. 아이디어도 좋고 부연 설명도 큰 문제 없이 잘 이해가 됩니다. 전반적으로 간결하게 쓰는 습관을 들이신다면 글을 이해하는 데 훨씬 쉬울 것 같아요. 핵심 내용이 아닌 부분에는 그렇게 큰 신경을 쓰지 않으셔두 되니, 중요한 부분과 그렇지 않은 부분의 우선 순위를 생각하시며 쓰시면 더 편할거에요~ 참고하실 문법 실수는 "a"와 "the" 구분이구요, 문장 구조는 되도록이면 간결하고 명확하게 쓰시면 실수를 줄이실 수 있을 것 같아요~ 정말 수고 많으셨어요~ 이상 갤러거였습니다 :)
Raw Score:
4/5 -> 25/30
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