The government should pay more attention to health care issues than environmental issues.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
There are different opinions among people concerning whether the government should consider much more seriously to solve the environments problem rather than the health care issues. I partly admit the importance of solving health problems in our nation because there are so many people who are experiencing very harsh diseases, however I believe that the environmental issues has to be considered as a priority that government officers should take care of. In this essay, I will present two main reasons to support my opinion. 주제와 나의 입장을 간결하게 잘 소개한 서론입니다.
To begin with, environmental issues are severe problems that it is too difficult to solve in a very short period. If the government delays solving that kind of problems until as long as they can, it would have no choice but spend astronomical time, money and efforts dealing with environmental issues. 현재 환경문제가 시급하다는 idea나 이를 해결하지 않으면 손해가 클 것이라는 설명은 아주 좋습니다. 더 구체적으로 설득력을 가질 수 있도록 환경문제가 어떤 식으로 현재 심각성을 보이고 있고, 이것이 왜 정부단위에서 해결되어야 하는 문제인지를 appeal할 수 있는 내용을 보완하는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. According to a recent survey from one environmental group, to restore environment of today requires require millions of years. In order to get rid of pollutants from water, it takes about 100 years even if most of the governments in the world would try to eliminate something which makes make water dirty, which means that children who are lack of clean water to drink have to wait for more than a hundred years. However, it is not too late to fix the problems. Although it is true that it needs a lot of money, time and resources now, we can save such a huge amount of them by concentrating on solving the environmental problems now. 주장을 뒷받침하기에 적절한 내용의 사레입니다.
Moreover, by solving environmental issues, the governments are able to handle the health problems at the same time. To specify this, most of diseases are caused by the pollution of environment. Some of them that didn’t exist in the past when people were able to enjoy their lives in clean surroundings and there was no pollutant at all. However, these kinds of whole health diseases whether related to the pollution of environment can be cured by paying attention to clean and eliminate the pollutant in environment. (과거에는 없었던) 환경오염으로 인한 질병들이 환경보전을 통해 개선될 수 있다는 설명이 적절합니다. For example, AIDS are the most critical and fatalist disease that most people think it cannot be treated. However, But, a recent study shows that developing hygiene of where people who are suffering from AIDS has have very appropriate effects on curing that disease. In addition, an expert from WHO said that if a number of governments government from the world try to clean its air, ground, river, mountain and sea, they it can reduce the finance for people who are sick about 50%. Therefore, the government can have opportunities to get health issues resolved very much by focusing on how to handle the environment and developing develop nation's cleanliness. 에이즈를 예로 들어 환경문제 해결에 투자하는 것의 장점을 잘 보여준 사례입니다.
In conclusion, environmental issues are considered to be the most important matter compared with the health issue for the reason that I mentioned above: if the government doesn't think of environmental issues as the most critical problems now, it would spend numerous finance and time and by trying to solve the problem about environment rather than the health problems, the government can solve two problems simultaneously.
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
여섯가지 항목의 채점 기준에서 살펴본다면 전반적으로 논리적 흐름이나 적절한 사례 사용 면에서 잘 쓴 글이라고 할 수 있습니다. 충분히 good level 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ So, But, And으로 시작하는 구어적 표현보다는 Therefore, However, Hence 등 가능한 문어체 표현을 써서 문장을 시작해 주는 것이 좋으니 참고하시기 바랍니다. 같은 맥락에don't, won't 등도 do not, will not으로 풀어주는 것이 더 좋습니다. is not, cannot 등도 마찬가지입니다. 단어수에도 보탬이 되겠지요^^마지막에 문법오류 체크할 수 있는 시간 여유 남길 수 있도록 시간조절하면서 다양한 주제로 연습해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!