▶ Your Answer :
Some people might say that governments should focus on the investment of travelling on cosmos. However, in my opinion, I firmly believe that governments have to spend money to support basic living conditions for people for the following two subsequent reasons. To begin with, governments should be able to provide all the people to live in a basic living condition. To be specific, human beings need to support governments’ help to live in a minimum life government should support for the basic necessity of individuals To put it another way, over than half of citizens in some countries such as Africa and India have suffered from earning a small amount of money Lots of developing countries are suffered from poverty. This money tends not to be enough to purchase some food and support their family. Therefore, instead of the investment of the development in exploring stars, governments are encouraged to execute efficient polices for the family; thus, one of the polices is to provide vouchers which can buy necessary products they want providing vouchers. According to the research issued by Korea University, the budget of exploring outer space was same as the expense of 10,000 people’s living support; in other words, the money related to cosmos can survive more than 10,000 people’s lives (예시를 통하여서 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겟습니다).
On top of that, the second important factor to spend is the supply of houses houses should be supported. To explain, houses are the most basic one among clothes, food and houses because in today’s society, clothes and food can easily be provided from many institutes which help the poor. However, the supply of houses is not easy to be solved in the limited areas and is required to pay for a huge amount of money Therefore, governments should make an effort to increase renting houses with low costs or installments and apartments with reasonable prices. According to the statistics issued by the Statistics in Korea, households with low salaries have difficulties of searching in searching (전치사가 잘못 사용되었습니다) necessary houses for their family and spend most money on monthly renting costs to landlords.
To sum up, taking the contentment of the appropriate basic needs for households into consideration, governments are worth spending money for residents. In this regard, I strongly believe that the spending of our basic needs far outweighs its counterpart.
점수: 23 두 가지 부분에 있어서 오류가 존재하고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 첫 번째는 어색한 표현들이 너무 많습니다. 이러한 어색한 표현들은 에세이 플로우로 하여금 방해를 줍니다. 따라서 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째는 예시가 이유를 전혀 서포트 못하고 있습니다. 이유를 서포트 할 수 있는 예시를 선정하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |