▶ Your Answer : | Some people might think that it is necessary for parents to set rigid rules to lead their children to success. However, I believe that strict rules are not effective when it comes to the success of children. This is because the rules might prevent children from exerting their potential and feeling a sense of achievement. Firstly, rigid rules for children make them not fully develop disturb them from fully developing their potential but just observe regulations. According to a psychologist in the field of positive psychology, extrinsic rules decrease inner motivations, which might be a critical factor in achieving something. This means that if parents require children to follow their rules, children tend not to be motivated by themselves and to retrain to use their potential and quality. Thus, rigid rules are not necessarily needed to make children success. Second, children who achieve something with rigid guidance of parents might have difficulty not only in exploiting their potential (뒤에 in-ing를 썼으면 앞에도 똑같이 써야 문장 흐름이 자연스럽게 이어지니, not only but also문장 쓸때는 앞 뒤 동사 주의해서 작성해주세요) but also in feeling a sense of success. If someone can’t feel the sense of achievement, it is hard to tell the one make a real success. For example, there are students who earned a high achievement but have a lack of a sense of competence and achievement. They think that achievement is not their own achievement(이렇게 명사 넣어주는게 뜻 전달이 더 명확합니다) but the result of trying to make their parents happy. In this case, even though they achieve something, it is hard to be regarded as a real success. Therefore, parents should not set strict rules and let their children find their true self and purpose of life. In summary, I admit that sometimes, some rules are needed to make children find their way. Nevertheless, rigid rules are not necessary to make them success since it hampers children’s abilities to conduct in their best and feeling a sense of achievement, which is an element of success.
다음부터는 이렇게 쓰지 말아주세요. 문장이 중간에 끊긴다는 느낌이 너무 들어 examine하는거 너무 힘듭니다. 문법 오류가 굉장히 많습니다. 이에 관해서는 proof reading이 정말 많이 필요해보이며, 어휘가 많이 반복되는 편이고+기본적인 어휘 위주로 사용되고 있으니 조금 더 다양한 어휘/표현 쓸 수 있도록 동의어 위주로 공부 더 많이 해주세요. | | | |