▶ Your Answer :
As the nature of the world is made of a full of colors, diverse opinions naturally exist toward the given topic. Some people may hold the opinion that hiring an inexperienced worker at a lower salary is better for a company. However, I firmly believe that I would hire an experienced worker at a higher salary, if I were an employer, because of two reasons.
It is natural that diverse opinions on the given topic exist among people, just like a variety of colors forming the nature of the world. (토픽에 대한 다양한 의견이 존재함을 자연에 존재하는 색깔에 비유하신거라면 이렇게 표현해보시는건 어때요?) Some people may argue that hiring inexperienced workers at a lower salary is better for the company. However, I firmly believe that hiring experienced workers at a higher salary is the best for the following two reasons. (People may argue that ~ 하는 문장은 자주 사용됩니다. 구태여 hold the opinion을 쓰는거보다 훨씬 깔끔합니다.)
In the first place, it is cost-effective to hire an experienced worker even at a higher salary in a long term perspective. This is because experience employees perform better, resulting in increasing profit of a company. Mostly, the increased profit covers the expense on the higher salary of matured employees. For Instance, I've analyzed profit contribution data of global companies based on the United States. If you look only the cost-side, it may looks inexperienced employees with low payments contribute to save money. However, if you analyze both profit and cost, net profit contribution of inexperienced employees is much less than of experienced workers because the matured workers make huge amount of money to company and take a little part of the profit, which is still higher than payment of inexperienced workers. In this case, we can see hiring a experienced worker is better way to allocate money more effectively.
First of all, it is a cost-effective strategy to hire those who have a lot of experiences at the cost of high salary. (동어반복을 피하기 위해 문장을 바꾸는 것이 좋습니다) This is so because their great performance leads to the increased output. (so가 반드시 필요합니다. 높은 수익으로 이어진다 보다는 높은 '산출'로 이어진다는게 더 기술적인 표현입니다.) This usually covers the expected costs that hiring them at a high salary causes. For instance, I did analyze profit contribution data of the US-based global companies. (간결하게 쓰려면 the US-based라고 쓰면 됩니다.) For those looking only at one side of the coin, in this case cost, it would seem that inexperienced workers help save the company's budget. ("동전의 한쪽면을 보는 사람들에게"로 비유해 보심은 어때요? 계속해서 employees 가 쓰여서 workers로 바꾸었습니다) However, net profit contribution inexperinced workers make is more remarkable if one sees both sides of the coin: cost and profit. Trained workers make huge amount of money even though they play a small part in the profit-making process, whose cost is still higher than that of untrained workers. (잘 이해가 안되는 문장이지만, 나름 뜻을 추측해서 리프레이징 해봤습니다.) From this case, we can draw one lesson: hiring experienced workers is the better way to allocate money effectively. (more는 전혀 필요없습니다. 콜론을 이용해서 도출된 결론을 설명해주면 좋습니다)
In the second place, it is better to hire matured workers as they can teach other inexperienced workers, causing improving overall compatibility of a company. For instance, my company, a construction company, hired two employees last month and Mike has ten year experience in construction field and Jane graduated a university last year. Although Jane tries to contribute to the company, the extent of her contribution is minimal yet due to lack of experience. On the other hand, Mike not only performs well on his work but also shares his experience in the business with other colleagues, including Jane. This truly helps them to enhance their capability; of course it is also good for the company. Through the experience, I realized that an experience worker is invaluable asset of a company regardless of a higher salary.
Secondly, considering that already-trained workers can teach their skills to untrained one, it is surely better to hire employees with many experiences; this also can improve the company's overall competitiveness. (it - to 나 it - that문장을 앞에 썼으니 두번째 페러그래프에서는 다른 형태의 문장구조를 쓰는게 좋습니다. '회사의 경쟁력'을 의미하신거라면 competitiveness를 써야합니다) My company's case can be a good example to explain the above argument. The company hired two employees last month. One is Mike who has engaged in the construction field for ten years and the other is Jane who graduated from a university last year. Although Jane tried to play a part in the company's project, the extent of her contributing to the work is very low, due to lac of relevant experience. On the contrary, Mike not only performed very well on his task, but also shared his experiences with other colleagues, including Jane. This helps them to enhance each of their capability, not to mention it is also a desirable phenomenon for the company. After then, I realized that experienced workers are valuable assets of the company, even though the cost of hiring is high. ("On the other hand"는 '다른 한편으로는'을 뜻하며 앞에 '한편으로는(on one hand)가 나온뒤에 써야 합니다.)
The question of this essay is whether I would hire an inexperienced worker at a lower salary or an experienced at a higher salary. Upon the issue, due to two main reasons, I strongly prefer to choose an experienced worker. (구태여 결론부에 이 에세이의 주제를 다시쓸 필요는 없습니다. 심사자들은 이미 주제를 잘 알고 있기 때문입니다. 그보다는 주장의 근거를 다시 한번 짧게 언급하고 문장의 전체적인 결론을 내리는게 좋습니다)
제 점수는요 : 18~22
|